everything is maya..illusions!

The roads taken a long time ago... and then the new ones...

2011-03-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

Some are closed, some are dug up, some look terribly new and unrecognisable, some ask me where I was all these years and invite me back with open arms, on some I fall and get up and sooo wanna get back into action despite the hurt and the pain... and there is never doubt I that will...

Mostly its the freedom of discovery of the roads, the joy and the excitement that keep me going! The people I meet on the way, the bonds I build, the changes I undergo, the person I evolve into continuously...

There is the unknown, the unexplored, the mystery, the uncertainty, but no fear...never....I realise as I feel the freedom of sometimes zipping, sometimes cruising along these roads. The is never a feeling of being lost. I always find a way out...some by myself, some 'cos of the good Samaritans that just pop up out of nowhere.

The power of Faith ...for some it is somewhere up there, for me mostly, its in my tangibles, in my actions, in my karma, in my art, in the human resilience... in myself!

I started writing this as a 'newly acquired 2-wheeler' journey in the literal sense and found the different dimensions along... got me philosophical and serious.... mostly after having looked at the footage tragedies in Japan... wish to share my 2 cents worth strength and prayers with them....

cycle of the wait...

2011-01-27T09:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we never learn. We get hit, run over, stamped and what not, but we never learn. A sweet helpless pout, remorseful words, a tear or two, and the heart melts with forgiveness!! Again and again for years together.... symbolisms are hardly ever followed up with actions and then we go again.... wearing the sign - "I am easy, come take me for granted"!

All that's left behind the symbols and words - sleepless nights and days of waiting....and waiting....and waiting...

Mumbai, Pune Diaries....

2011-01-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

MUMBAIIII - Jan 5th to Jan 9th 2011:

Some quick first impressions of the big bad city of chaos...

- The taxi driver gives me change of Rs. 3/- on a fare of Rs. 127/- exactly shown on the meter. My eyes popped out!!! This after he realised I had no clue about were I was going (athough I tried to pretend) and had instantly become my tour guide, telling me about all the buildings and areas! I actually felt guilty telling him to keep the change...lest I bring bad habits from Bengaluru!

- The local train!!! I so loved it...sorely missed in namma Bengaluru! Must admit though that u need to ask to figure out things, lest one assumes Singapore type direction maps and all....

- Oooooh the beaches! Be it a late night chat...read 2 a.m...on marine drive/queen's necklace/lover's nest/Subhash Chandra Bose Road with a friend...or the crazy marketeers of chaat on Juhu.....I can stare at the water for hours! But really have some mercy...the Girgaon chowpaty is in the dumps literally! It's plastic and garbage strewn all over! And to think I worried that the shoes I had worn instead of chappals would'nt let me feel the water on my toes!!!

- Another word about the local transport...when I ask the auto driver 'Santa Cruz?' he just stares back blankly...while I wait for his highness to approve of my destination. Talk about getting in bad habits....arrre he cudnt care less where I am going...get in already! Took me a while to stop asking them hesitantly, while I pray they agree to come. After 4 days of this, gonna be hard to stop myself from walking straight into an auto confidently!

- The Mumbai Darshan.... a dinchak bollywoodish tour wasnt something up my alley.. what with co-passengers staring at the single 'Indian' female. I wondered..."In Mumbai??" oh yeah...sorry...Mumbaikars arent doing the Mumbai Darshan! ANyway....its cheap...I mean money-wise and surely value for money. My jeevan is saarthak after having made darshan of bungalows of Lata Mangeshkar, Ambanis, Amitabh, Salman, Rekha, Rajesh Khanna...rest I forget...of course 'Mannat'! haha! I dont have to do my Kashi Yatra now! But Hey! I did quite like the Nehru Science center with kids running all over and the fantastic show at the planetarium.

- Living in the Colaba area felt just like that..."Living"!! Walking around the heritage buildings at any time of the day or night, the Taj and Gateway neighborhood pondering on life and its temporariness, makes you want to LIVE IT UP!

- The weekend shows at NCPA - Dr. L Subramaniam's magic and explorations of Lady Macbeth using classical dance, NGMA, Jehangir Art Gallery, Prince of wales Museum, Prithvi's ambience - made me feel like I was combining work with pleasure and what pleasure it was to work!!

PUNE - Dec 28th to Jan 5th:

- Relaxed setting, Bangalore like weather, therapeutic cooking sessions and felt much like home, for all the vegetating that I needed....not to mention the mind space required to make some big decisions in life!

- Koregoan park, Camp, MG Road, Kalyani Nagar, Magarpatta...explored as much as possible with the 'transport' available....even managed an art of living bhajan on new year's day. And very thankful for the transport :-)

- The drive upto Sinhagad was torturous on a Sunday with the whole crowd going up there to create a traffic jam. Managing a U turn and getting back after covering 3/4th uphill was quite the task! Parbati was the alternate destination and was well worth spending the evening of my day of birth so many years ago, contemplating achievements and failures on a hilltop mandir.

Love can be damned..respect is paramount!

2011-01-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

Read on an agony aunt column answered by Pooja Bedi....
The agony is of a woman who is in a relationship with someone who claims he will love her all his life, but wont marry cos his folks wont agree...however he will marry someone else.
So Ms. Bedi says to the effect - It is clear he wants u to be a side dish.....it depends on wht u want n life..... if I were u, I'd walk out in a jiffy. "love can be damned, respect is paramount".

When I read it the first time around..I said wow Ms. Bedi....way to go...u hit the nail on its head! But there was something nagging about that statement....wasnt respect a part of love??? When did they become mutually exclusive? Does one really love someone and treat him/her without respect? And does one who puts up with lack of respect in a relationship labeled 'warm and loving' respect oneself? Or was it lust she was talking about then?......

At the cost of sounding old..

2010-12-19T08:08:00.000-08:00

I savour the days when the hotspots of Bengaluru (what we knew as Bangalore) were - All Saints/Fatima stores (to buy imported bread stuff and chocos and dates), Indiana or La Casa (to hangout with buddies cos they were the most happening cool places), Pavitra hotel at Jayanagar (To go for sumptuous meals with family which offered 'North Indian' khana), the few fruit chaats and other street chaats on the streets or the special treats in sukh sagar (cos our immunity was really high and the taste was perfect), the 2 or 3 small jewelry stores mom would drag me to (cos they knew her tastes so well and designed jewelry which took a long time to get made and she'd wait patiently, after all it took a long time to even plan it), the rare KSIC or one other place where sarees shopping would be a well thought out affair, the English teleserials and different language movies on Doordarshan late nights, and so on the list goes.....

Loved the waiting, the longing, the novelty, the savouring, feeling special and remember it all with a tad bit nostalgia... especially in the post liberalisation era, where there we are so spoilt for choice and and there's so much to do on even 2-day weekends, when even I (forget the newer generation) dont think things get done fast enough.

I miss them days and I miss myself from that age when I feel the stress of daily life....

Thanks Katie Perry!

2010-11-19T09:45:00.000-08:00

Listening to You makes my day!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Chah Nahin

2010-10-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Chah Nahin Mai Sur-Bala Ke Gehnon Mein Guntha Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Premi Mala Mein Bindh, Pyari Ko Lalkaoon...

Chah Nahin Samraton Ke Shav Par, Hey Hari Dala Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Devon Ke Sar Par Chadoon, aur Bhagya Par Itraoon...

Mujhey Tod Lena Banmali, Us Path Par Tum Dena Phenk...

Matra Bhoomi Par Sheesh Chadhaney, Jis Path pa rJaayen Veer Anek!

- Harivanshrai Bachhan

An attempt at an english translation:

Not on a damsel's beauty to adorn
Not in a lover's garland to beckon
Not on the king's body to mourn
Not on images of Gods, to be blessed upon
But O' gardener, let me fall around
Where the martyrs of my motherland walked the ground!

Shanti!

2010-10-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

Read somewhere:

The worst in life is "ATTACHMENT " it hurts when you lose it, the best in life is "LONELINESS" as it teaches you to be with yourself & when you lose it, you get Everything!

And these lessons are best appreciated when one experiences them, unfortunately! And one knows that its surely going to take a lot of time, effort and resilience to reach anywhere near 'Everything'.

Some attachments when lost don't just hurt... it feels like your heart was literally pulled out with bare hands and all the blood was squeezed brutally until dry. It has the uncanny ability to remain embedded in your thoughts all the time and you wonder, is this gonna be the case forever? Is this punishment and revenge for having deliberately killed that same attachment that was an actual, physical part of you? The answers are not clear, since choices were made while trying to keep the balance without toppling over. But one hopes... 'This too shall pass" And with that chant you move on, putting up a brave front and breezy appearances, for the sake of the ones you don't want to hurt by burdening them of the knowledge of the difficult choices you made.

Still miles to go.... but the thought does have a beautiful ring to it... and if something hasnt killed you, it has only made you stronger!

No more

2010-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

As I sit by amidst storms threatening to overwhelm

I break resolves over and over

But at some point the hilarity of it all dosent cease to amuse

What seems desolate is just an illusion

I tell myself

But the sensible side knows I cant keep this up much longer

Isnt easy to break free of crutches

Better do it sooner than later

Independence is the key

Anything more is a bonus

Working for bonuses is what finally happens

Over and over again.... breaking resolves

The independence to be in love with myself takes a back seat again

As the loneliness looms larger than life

Face it, is the answer

No more crutches....get away from them

No more bonus treats for the momentary satisfaction

Aye zindagi...peace now!

2010-06-03T02:35:00.000-07:00

Chota sa saaya tha, ankhon mein aaya tha,
Humne do boondhon se man bhar liya

Didnt think it may not suffice

After all, thats how the drug tempts

Humne bahane se, chupke zamaane se,

Palkon ke parde mein ghar kar liya,

And in that illusion there was turmoil

A tornado that cleans out pretty much everything

Disturbs the equilibrium

Upsets it....destroys!

Settling down there is an unnatural calmness

The left over ruins

But settled it has...the Storm!

Tera sahaara mil gaya hai zindagi

Tera kinaara mil gaya hai zindagi

No regrets

No guilt

Peace...silver linings visible..

Aye zindagi gale laga le,
Humne bhi tere har ek gham ko,
Gale se lagaya hain, hain naa..

(Sorry Gulzarji for the plagiarism! Just that the words connect sometimes and one wants to add....)

Nautankis of life!

2010-05-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Of dramatic entrances...exits....last words!

Only in movies?

Naah the scripts in real life are full of them too!

The ego takes over...

Especially the hurt one!

Some silent cutting words

Some loud angry ones

Some cold as a stone punch lines

Some long explanations...pathetic...helpless

Some tears

Some malicious laughters

Many unburied memories flashing by...

A lot many brave, nonchalant masks to hide everything!

Naach!

2010-02-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Dance, with the ecstasy taking over
Move with the flow
Koi sharth nahi hai jo
Jus' madness...no boundaries...no rules...no reason
In the rains...storm even!
Bheegja Bheegja
Soak your soul in the music
On this beat...moment of life
No other...
Naach!!!

To Paris with Love...

2010-02-12T01:43:00.000-08:00

I read this on lonely planet about Paris - http://www.lonelyplanet.com/france/paris/travel-tips-and-articles/42/35737. They talk about why Paris is really a place for romantic love and why the cliche holds. Back in 2004 when I visited Paris on official work, I remember feeling that cliche...thick in the air. It was summer and probably the best season to be outdoors, sip wine and canoodle in public spaces and metros, like they show in the movies...I tried to be scandalised, shocked, cynical or puritanical about it. But no! that attitude just crumbles and you begin to feel warm and nice and romantic even if you are the ultimate cynic! The city just does that to you.

I was working long hours with no time to brood about being alone, but that feeling of longing would creep in unexpectedly! My colleagues at the Vodafone lab where I worked would give me all the interesting info required by a tourist and I would take off after work almost everyday, to explore the city. Starting at dinner time, I would visit some place each day and get back just after midnight on the last metro! The sun would set only at 10pm and I felt completely safe. Although I stayed there for over a month, there were no free-from-work-weekends to take off to see the rest of France or Europe. I did manage do one weekend at Versailles on a cycling tour with a gang of Americans. That was fun! So were all the other 'Paris by night' and a couple of similar cycling trips I took with the same group. The ferry rides over river Seine were simply beautiful, where one could see people breaking into waltzes on the banks of the river or on the ferry itself....all those scenes from romantic Hollywood flicks which you never thought happened in real life! Managed to see the touristy and some less known places. Even managed to visit a jazz club where the music was live and the wine divine!

Left Paris when there was so much more left to do...check out Louvre a few more times, visit a cabaret, stand by the Seine in old Paris near Notre Dame, and so much more that I forget after all these years. But well...when I remember Paris...the first thing I seem to do is...SIGH...!!

Time never waits...

2010-02-07T21:22:00.000-08:00

I am asked..."so u quit a cushy, really well paying, big sounding job and started on your own....any regrets?" Sets me thinking...."Yes just one....I should have quit much earlier and started on my own". Sounds like a haughty response, but hey! that's really true.
The older you get, the bigger the pay packet/office cabins/people-to-push-around gets and the larger the commitments and responsibilities and risks. Time only makes it harder to take any big step...not easier at all!
True for so many things in life. Single friends of mine in their 30s, especially women, tell me that there is no chance they are going to find someone to get married to. Their expectations are getting bigger and and choices smaller:-) One also gets so comfy and happy in one's comfort zone...its harder to change it even if it is for the better. But well...my single friends might be in a better zone already rather than being married...and this might be an exception here :-D

Change is not generally easy and passing of time only makes it so much harder. But once you push yourself to change, you look back and think, what was the fuss all about? One life to make the best of after all! And a smaller number of years if you leave out the times we were forced to be attending school and college and later hospitals to treat those knees or kidneys or whatever. To experience all there is to do...to give the best out....to indulge in small pleasures or larger ones....as they say "live life to the fullest".

If time waited for me to pause at an uncertain moment in life wouldnt it be great!? Let me sort out that pesky little thing and continue with the tick tock...but no....the tick tock goes on and gets louder especially when you are faced with the realities of biology of a human body and mind....and the vulnerabilities associated with it....

Will it ever end?

2010-02-06T08:45:00.000-08:00

The quest for that 'something' in life...
Layers open up and reveal what they really were as I peel the old ones off
They force a bigger commitment out of me
So that I cant take off to the far away mountains whenever I want to
But is that the quest? - The faraway mountains...?
or will I reach there and feel the need to peel them off too?

Disruptions make me change
Change the way I think about things...things I would have never considered on my high horse long ago
Everything has a new meaning
I never stopped growing...learning
But how much disruption can I take?
Why do I seek out the disruptions myself?...aren't there enough coming my way already!
Will they disrupt me enough to become two different people?
All of us do wear masks...one for the outer world and another maskless face to oneself
but of late my masks seem unaware of the other
pulling in two different directions
tearing me apart!

What is it that I want to find?
Human happiness or something more divine?
Is there something more divine?
The human rules we live by govern what we need...and if I dont get what I need....
do I beg...borrow...steal.....grab....fret.....or....accept?
Will it end...the quest....will it end whatever I do?

Life suspended

2009-04-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you begin to feel everything in life is on suspension mode?

At the library with all the Ludlums, Wodehouses beckoning, imagining myself curled up with books strewn all over the place, dark circles of pleasure around the eyes, I quickly shut it out and say...."later when I have that time to myself"

At home when dust has settled a few layers and the room is messed up with bags to be sorted out, imagining myself tidying up sweaty and dirty and loving the clean sites, I postpone it again...."No not now...cant afford to now...surely is a short while when I have the absolute freedom"

The plants drying up in the sun, pots in dire need of replacing, repotting, weeds giving me a mock salute...I say "Wait you devils, just a little bit, until I take the timeout...I'll tackle you guys!"

Mom's old recipes crying out loud for attention and asking to be passed to the next generation..."One day soon I'll get to you and take a crash course and learn it all"

The economic times and the investment plans being thrown to the newspaper raddi guy reminding me that this is what I'll end up later in life.."No No...I'll learn all there is to master in managing my finances like Zig Zagler or whoever tells us and have a an enviable portfolio ...just wait..no time now, but just wait"

The zillion movies my mate picked up with all the enthu to watch with me..."Not today, I have to do something useful" !! eh!?? what useful thing did I do finally?.....I forget

The learning that I shelled out a huge sum of money for.....now its "Until I find time to devote more time to this, I can only prepare for the exams and clear them"!!

The keyboard...a sorry sight, which was bought after years of craving for one; taken for granted in the corner now "Until I have more peace I cant play...but that day is just around the corner"

Disovery and Nat Geo and backpackeurope.com popping out everywhere as messages...."I'll take that break and just set out..just waiting for that right moment"

The bad roads and the traffic and the general disillusionment telling you that its time YOU did something...."yes of course! Just a matter of lack of time right now...in good time..."

The dancing sacrificed, the singing badly aloud in the bathroom replaced by planning the tasks, the heart to hearts with good friends ending up as staid SMSes or mindless scraps and pokes....

The whirlpool sucks you into its security and recession and slowdown and money and questions and free advice from 'well meaning' well wishers who have already been sucked right into it, you go on postponing and suspending it...LIFE that is......for how long? until the next layoff or serious illness or ........?

Grandmother's Ghost

2008-08-28T02:06:00.000-07:00

My cousin's wife, Komal a mother of two, could be best described as puny. And she had a voice to suit her frame. In her household in the small town, she was hardly ever seen or heard. Her dominating in-laws, her almost-on-the-path-to-alcoholism hubby probably made sure of this. To me she seemed to be the epitome of patience and sacrifice, your typical bharatiya nari...suffering in silence.
At one of our family function, most of the family including Komal were gathered, and the preparations had started since dawn. This was a serious event, requiring utmost care in preparing all the specific dishes and the rituals. I was the city bred kid visiting for the event and kept at arm's length, lest I dismantle the setup. Komal was her subservient self, going about her duties, not saying much. The men were served and the women sat down to have lunch. All seemed well, until Komal started to scream and rant out of the blue like a woman possessed, and it surely did not sound like her. She addressed her father-in-law in singular, admonished his brother (my father) for not turning up at the family gathering and called out to their sisters, all the time referring to them as her children. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets while she was shivering and muttering incoherences. My inital reaction was that of disbelief at this surreal occurrence. Looking around I saw that the family responded to her like she was possessed with grandmother's spirit. The same grandmother who passed away in a tragic death 40 years ago! The same grandmother who was described to be a soft spoken, kind hearted woman by my father. The same grandmother who had apparently suffered at the hands of her in-laws and developed hysteria. The same one who passed away under mysterious circumstances during her pregnancy.
Komal went on to demand that all her children fall at her feet and seek her blessings. She ordered my step-grandmother around and gave her a huge list of expectations. She gobbled up food like there was no tomorrow. She asked for specific items in the menu and the ladies were promptly scurrying about. But she did not seem to forget to tell her in-laws that they would be filled with prosperity and and lead a very fulfilling life! No none of that to her other children, but to the eldest. Very interesting indeed!
I felt suspended in time! Thoughts ranging from suspended belief to fear to amusement to cynicism clouded my head. What was going on? Was this a rehearsed charade? She then started speaking details of grandmother as my father's generation knew it. It was simply amazing! The cynicism started to crumble and left me confused. I could not see the logic or science to it. I was almost forced to believe what the others had simply accepted. I looked at them. Most of them were actually post graduates. I wondered if I really cannot keep an open mind. They asked me to fall at 'Grandmother's' feet and seek her blessings. She was looking into my eyes, daring me to do otherwise. I said to myself "The mere act of doing the act is not going to make me a changed person or any lesser". I complied rather mechanically. When I completed the task I was shocked to see that my hands were shaking. I let it be and refrained from analyzing anymore.
Komal fainted after close to an hour of the changed behavior. My folks just let her lie there and moved off to talk in hushed tones. After a few minutes, routine took over and people went about their business. I found myself coming back to peep into the room she was in wondering about it all.
Komal was awake after about an hour and had managed to silently join the living room folks. She didn't seem to notice anything different. They spoke to her like nothing had happened. I gathered the courage to go upto her secretly and ask her if she was ok and if she remembered anything of the last couple of hours. My folks had warned us against bringing up anything with her. Her expression said everything. All she knew was that she was very tired and had been asleep for the last couple of hours. She did mention that her throat was really sore, head really ached and that she had eaten too much. She had clear and contrasting dark circles under her weary eyes.
It was then that all those stories I had read about multiple sclerosis/schizophrenia/splitting of one's personality or whatever they called it, came flooding to my mind. At my silence, she decided that I was done asking after her and headed towards her chores. I drew on the parallels between what she is going through and what my grandmother did at the hands of her in-laws. I mentioned my thoughts to a couple of elders who I thought might understand. That Komal might be in need of treatment or else she might have to face severe deterioration of her mental health. I did not seem to get through them but they assured me that they would look into it. I was told that I should refrain from mentioning this to the others, for who am I to question faith of the masses.
That was 10 years ago. I have not had an opportunity to visit the folks at my father's hometown again and have never heard about or from Komal after that. Her in-laws mention her very rarely and my memory of her remains as of that day. She has not turned up at any social gathering since then. All I pray for is that she does not live a ghost of a life that grandmother supposedly lived.

Holding on to the sanity

2008-04-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

When thoughts defy logic, common sense
Rules and lines seem blurred
Voices echo from far away places....slurred
Not a junkie
Not a drunkie
Not in throes of passion or spirituality
Just another regular day
As hours..minutes...seconds make way
Counting the units of life
Asking whys whats whens hows wheres
the line that divides
sanity and insanity
illusions and reality

Of dreams to make come true....

2008-03-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

I imagined

a deep shade of yellow

a dark shade of green

with a new lesson in life

stories fresh and clean

some music to my ears

some knowledge to allay my fears

to soothe a restless soul

to set free

a place to be me

I found

you caught in a net

waiting to be met

the same shade and depth

at the possibility, I was floored

and with you I soared

living in the moment

until I landed to see

the need to deliberate

complexities to fathom

therein lies the beauty

and I am glad I soared in the moment

'cos the faith always takes care

of the dreams of those who dare!

In search of my net worth...

2008-02-21T07:25:00.000-08:00

"My net-worth is what I have left after I lose all my money"

"What do you want to be ten years from now?"...a question that makes me pretty lost for words...despite being the one who always has something to say.
Let me think - CEO? Technical genius with 10 patents? ok a program manager managing 50 people at the veryleast? .........Gut reaction "yawn"!! I can see myself coming out of an assembly line of one of these characters....why do I feel so disconnected? So what will my net worth be after 10 years?
The satisfaction of a beautiful home and relationships?
The passion of dancing like no one's watching?
The compassion of being a shoulder to cry on, to have made a difference?
The little thrills of gossiping, philosophising and hearty laughters & tears with friends?
The righteousness of having done the right thing...no matter what?
The gnawing hunger to learn new things...from languages, to music, to swimming, to film making, to martial arts, to history, to technology...a list that never ends?
The contentment of a small step to leave the world a better place?
The exhilaration of adventures, travel, reading and writing?
The romancticising and divinification of mountains, oceans and forests?
The imagination and day-dreams of fame and fortune?
The trivial pleasures of reading Harry Potter time and again or having watched Friends for the Nth time?

Well...Whichever way I look at it, the hours spent at my job is only justified for the means it gives me to all of the above. So here goes, For the next Ten years and after, I 'd like to be doing something that gives me the means and the TIME to have done most of the above and added more to the list....and if that means turns out to be one of these, what more can one ask for!

Torino!

2008-01-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

When I heard I would be travelling to Torino on work 6 years ago, I thought my boss was pulling my leg!...thanks to my sparse geographical knowledge. The orange colored soft drink that used to be famous in India ages ago 'Torino' kept popping in my head...along with the ad's jingle in the background of course. The internet then revealed this as an industrial city in Italy famous for the company - Fiat!! I went ahead to get my visa stamped for the first time in my passport and days later landed in this charming city of Italy and the month long stay here happens to be the travel experience closest to my heart.....Paris, Rome, the US, Singapore, Malaysia notwithstanding. It was not really a sight-seeing paradise, but set the tone for my travel experiences abroad and I always end up comparing each one of them to this one.....the first of its kind while learning to be on my own, learning the ropes. It was a total high as I experienced it...the friends I made, the culture, the warm people, my work, the places i got to visit around Italy, the chocolates, wining and dining!! Turin may very well be on the Olympics map lately, but I will always remember the spirit of this charming city as I saw it so many years ago....
Cheers Torino!

Pic Courtesy: http://honeymoons.about.com/od/italy/ss/turin_pictures.htm

Perfect!

2007-11-21T06:24:00.000-08:00

What is it about perfection that makes one cringe?
Perfect relationships are surely in denial mode, with muted volume, politely formal, distantly polite, stuffy, don't touch any sensitive spots, coat everything well and keep it sugary and bottle up the rest! It is one thing to be nice and another to be purrfectly nice. Aspirants of this are better off staying away from other human kind....not only are they setting the wrong standards and showing the "in-your-face" healthy ones in bad light...they are extremely harmful to themselves. When the bubble bursts and all the bottled-up hell breaks lose, they wonder what they did wrong....incapable of believing that since they are so bloody sweet and all, and cannot hurt or tick off anyone. "Why is the world so mean to me? I only strive to please all and sundry around me and keep "ME" in everyone's gooood books!! How can "I" be considered wrong?" Puhleease get off your high horse and be yourself and do not blame me for keeping my face the way it is....that is how it will be thanks to your insensitivity (yeah...hard to believe??) and I cannot screw it up into a smile to make things nice and perfect so you can get back into your pretentious hunky dory world. Learn to face facts and deal with problems...not sweep it out of sight.

Let us all strive to be perfect and nice and sweet...but let us not get carried away with it!!!

Deathly and hallows?

2007-07-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

What's deathly about hallows? Deathly veneration? deathly saints? JK does not explain the meaning afraid that it'll give away a clue to the story....but as the countdown goes on cant think of much else these days....it's damn frustrating to be a muggle and be content with reading it with the rest of the world!

Awaiting eagerly...here's a toast to bringing magic into millions of lives!

Cricket and some feminism!

2007-04-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

Well...this is a post that I have really been avoiding. Another kb of space dedicated to this??? But now I am forced to pen this small bit down...
India's debacle in world cup 2007 has invited the wrath, criticism, angst, sympathy even from all quarters...and then there are some of us who prefer to remain indifferent...utmost get irritated by the constant attention this debacle has been getting. Come to think of it, I don't think the analysis and publicity would have made it to so much of first page/headline news(usurping Vishwanathan Anand's moment of world #1 glory) had they actually brought home the cup!!!

So there I was this Sunday reading the times of India's glossy sheets trying to avoid anything that my brain would google upon as crick..but unknowingly ended up reading this hilarious piece by Suhel Seth (the happy bachelor as he calls himself)...where he is really livid with the 11 jokers for spoiling the month long lazy existence of the Indian Man! How the Man will have to now put up with the nagging from his wife or MIL and how he cannot rot in front of the TV eating/drinking and living in his own world and how he is going to be missing the much awaited male bonding...etc etc. Mr. Seth the male equivalent of the feminist made me see the lighter side of it all and I have never read a funny feminist before who could drive home her point while providing so much entertainment! I now keep an open mind while reading cricket news for I might chance upon a Suhel Seth like piece....

On the other hand (this has nothing to do with cricket, just something the feminist in me wants to express;))...in the same main sheet of the paper Mr. Shashi Tharoor writes an apology article for last week's debacle piece which criticised the Indian woman's neglect of the sari!! Apparently the author has received a whole lot of brickbats (which he calls "feedback") and writes a full article of the same damned length which is actually a stupid apology! c'mon buddy, he knew it was coming...especially since he went pointing fingers in his all western business suit...and mind you I did read that bit about how someone ridiculed him for wearing a kurta pyjama to an international meeting and so was forced to "follow" the dress code....for someone so worried about the sari culture going to the dogs, stand up and fight for your country's kurta/khadi culture!! My dad has been to many international conferences and dosent give a damn about any criticism flaunting his bandhgalas and khadi kurtas while shunning the "soot"...not that he's bothered about Indian clothes and all that...he is just not into dressing up for someone else and I have seen his international colleagues respect him for that! So that's where I stand...I am not into dressing up for someone else...Indian culture or not! I wear what I want to wear and sometimes it turns out to be a sari...no sweat! whaoh!! see? I said feminists cant be funny once they get going!!:D
Just wanted to conclude on a lighter note that today I read 2 very funny articles...one a truly admirable one from a masculinist!!?? and the other a silly and funny apology from a sexist!!!

Blog of the day?

2007-02-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Just saw the email from the guys at the 'blog of the day' thingy for Feb 05, 2007. Next went to my traffic update...and whoah! I had visitors from all the networks of the world....(psst - mostly for 0 seconds long visits;)) but whatever....Hey!!...maybe I should go ahead and add Google's adsense and make some moolah (read big bucks) for the next few days ;) On a more serious note this sure does feels encouraging to write more. If I had any hangups on my casual writing style...all's well now and life's good on the internet!!:)))

The fine line...

2007-01-30T08:01:00.000-08:00

There is always talk of the fine line between 2 conflicting ideas....here is one more of my recent personal experiences:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for 1 day
Teach him fishing and you feed him for a lifetime...
Goes something like that.

I always believed that the 2nd line is true...always...without a doubt, even when I was the one seeking the 'fish'. But of late I have been witness to expectations that have nothing to do with teaching or learning, like all your rantings about teaching falls on deaf ears....it breaks one's heart to tell someone..."go work hard and learn life's lessons...don't expect me to give it to you on a platter", the situation 'appears' to be sad, tragic even and yet there is no effort visible to make life better by working on it, all the effort is concentrated on creating the sympathy. Almost reminds me of the traffic signal begging scenarios...like life's mission...like the right to beg is mine, the duty to give is yours...like a profession, so used to the art, have been doing this for so many years that there doesn't seem to be any self-respect, no ego left...."as long as I get it out of your sympathy I will keep at it, why do I even have to try anything else. You have always been giving, how dare you not give now?". But again, despite it all, how can one be hard hearted to turn away someone in need...do it this last time? will it ever be the last time?

anda arabi kadalorum...

2007-01-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

Deja vu or pessimism?

2006-12-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes she has these niggling nagging thoughts....fears even....will it go smoothly?...not the general nervousness, but more sure ones, which don't happen always. She is told "its just pessimism creeping into your mind...if you expect it, it will happen...most definitely!". And yeah it does happen exactly how it crept into her mind.
Now it seems to be happening again...the order of events are just like what were expected at first but this time, she was extremely careful to drive out the pessimistic bogart out of her mind, but no...not helping...its just too hard when reality is hitting at her with all its energy...she would only be terribly foolish to believe that what first happened was not the deja vu after all!

The good samaritan in bad traffic

2006-12-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

What happens when you go blank..nod off while driving and hit the accelerator instead of the breaks? well...a lot of horrible things, but in Bangalore's mad traffic, you would never have the guy whose jeep you banged into walk over and ask you if you are alright! I think the exact words were "Are you OK? Please tell me you are OK, don't worry about my jeep, your car looks bad though", "Do you want to pull over to the side and get some water to drink?", "will you be able to drive?"...wow! And all I could do was think .....OMG what damage have I done to my car? How much will I have to shell out? How much can I claim as insurance? or can I claim any? What about the jeep's damages? through all this I did manage to tell him, that I'll pull over to the side and see what to do. I have no clue what he was planning to do, but after starting I just drive back home in a daze trying to make out if the strong stench is due to the condenser leakage or something...wondering if my car will go up in flames anytime soon (paranoia straight from the Hollywood flicks). I did not even so much look to see what happened of that fine gentleman and his jeep or where he was.

After so long that it took me to get over the incident, and getting back to driving without the phobia thanks to the encouragement from my family and all the prayers and good omens and the insurance and everything, I think back at the incident and remember in awe, this Samaritan. Someone who I actually didn't thank! Probably will never be able to personally, but not a gesture I will forget that easily in the mad traffic of Bangalore, the amazing amount of selflessness he exhibited to a total stranger who actually probably damaged his property.....talk about Gandhigiri! And that too from someone of a different country....a westerner!

The Spotlight!

2006-10-31T01:31:00.000-08:00

Its a crazy situation, especially for someone who likes to blend into the background (most of the times atleast). Questions were surely expected..."what did you do to be chosen as the so called 'brand ambassador', out of all the 2000 people?". The same question I ask myself...really "what DID I do?" Was it just a realllly random pick or was there something to the selection criteria, like 'my people' put it, or like the photographers from Chicago - "You must have done SOMEthing!". But of course, no real reasons are forthcoming, and needless to say I would have to live with being the pick of a lucky dip.

One of my friends says, I should take this up some more - and she did mean it well...but I'm thinking...Modelling!? What the...!!! Was definitely the wierdest feeling in front of that camera with instructions being ranted out - look at the crack at the door, speak to me, use your hands, eyes on camera-nose pointed to my wrist-nose on camera-eyes pointed to my wrist, pull down ur shirt to clean up your creases, turn ur head 26degrees, stand on the yellow spot, dont hunch, smile-show ur teeth-uh oh! not so much teeth...........hmph!!!! The only interesting part of the episode was being around international-award-winning (and good looking I might add;)) photographers and talking to them about their craft!
Not to forget having been paranoid due to a new zit that wouldnt go away and the sudden realisation that I dont have 'clothes'!!!! and the paunchy belly and the inability to get an appointment at the beauty salon before the shoot and the complete vanity of it all! So my heart goes out to Ash & co. who put up with this thing day in n out, adorn wall papers and talk about hair color or beautiful skin while trying hard to hush up the botox or whatever else that works hard to paralyse muscles and conceal the story each wrinkle and grey hair has to say. Its really scary what preoccupation with one's image can do to one's image and I just got a taste of that fear!

Having said all that, one does secretly enjoy the results;) Being made a landmark on the map is not something that happens everyday, whatever that map might be for....My ego just got a lovely ayurvedic massage!

But at the end of the day....like I always know...'everything is maya', leave me to my quiet corner with my PC or my book and my dirty jeans and Tee back to my reality and I will respond to your compliment with a humble thanks....

Everything happens for.....

2006-10-30T23:10:00.000-08:00

for a reason?
arent we just making a reason out of everything that everything happens for?

for good?
by whose standards?
good for who?
does it really matter as long as it is for mine?

isnt it all a matter of choice finally?
a choice of how I choose to look at it....
and dont I choose to look at it differently each time?
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the other
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the self!

REFUSE!!

2006-09-07T01:37:00.000-07:00

I refuuuuusssse to get bogged down by the turn of events....
however big! or small!!!
like the dirty plastic that blobs irritatingly over a wave of a polluted beach!!!!!!!

Freedom?

2006-07-26T01:51:00.000-07:00

Swami Vivekananda said "Total Freedom is when nothing affects you"

I have almost learnt not to get affected by the ups and downs of life and yeah I do feel free...but must admit that it also makes me feel somewhat detached...so have I crossed the line from not getting affected to not feeling, not experiencing at all?

Most times I just sail thru events of importance as if they were mundane occurrences.....so must I start singing 'I just wanna feel...'

memoirs of a reluctant kitchenperson...

2006-05-02T03:03:00.000-07:00

Ever Notice how at family get togethers the womenfolk huddle up in the kitchen performing the A to Zs and the menfolk huddle together in front of the TV or discuss politics until say mealtime....? Been witness to this from the childhood days, but never been too affected by it all...only the married woman status brings in a whole new paradigm to the whole affair.
Not that I personally slog it out, most often manage to get away from both the huddles...but yeah the guilt and the conditioning and the spoken/unspoken expectations! what to do with them!?? They do sometimes translate into a little slogging themselves, while hating every minute, especially since talents are really rusty in that department!
20 yrs ago, it didnt seem so wierd simply 'cos the roles were very well defined and the people seemed comfortable with what they had to acheive...claim to fame being how well the womenfolk feed their men....but cut to the current scenario, things simply dont fall into place. The superwoman is here...thrust into the role, whether she likes it or not....most of them being equal breadwinners (the breadwinning part being equally important i.e), have to cook, feed, serve, clean up and then probably contemplate eating the leftovers while starting preparations for the next meal. And not talking about the hum apke hain kaun type families with 15 kaamwaales to clean up, talking about very middle class scenarios with no servants. So when families decide to take breaks from their routine worklife (double holiday, since both of them work now!), they get together and perform these therapuatic miracles to feel refreshed...of course one party does feel refreshed....not to be disputed! Also noticed how the progressive husbands/boys too fall prey to the peer pressure and dont overstep the age old boundaries laid out.
No volunteers from the men's section is accompanied by no asking from the female section as well. It is another matter that claims are made all over, that if the men do try to help the women shoo them away! well, not sure if one section dosent try too hard or the other section is so used to shooing away that they do it without a second thought. All speculations...
At the end of it all...one can only keep counting till 10 or 20 or whatever and steel oneself to put up with it only for a few days....and feel fortunate while thinking of the various people all around who slog it out this way all their lives!

Patheticity

2006-04-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

At times one gets so pathetic...
ego hassles, need for reassurance, need for attention, need for visibility......all maturity goes out of the window!
mostly its really silly...and only gets sillier... heck!!! its always for the small inconsequential things
wallowing in the slush and yucky muck of self pity.....whats it about humans and attention!?? and one wants attention from where its going to be unavailable....unreasonable!
and looking back, want to go back...be more respectable...but the moment's gone and the bad taste still lingers on and nothing can be done...

where rainbows follow u around...

2006-04-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Napa valley California...the abode of scenic delights and "bottled poetry" a.k.a wine!!!!

Alternating between sun and rain we got the best of both views...the very reason we saw rainbows everywhere and couldnt stop clicking! We saw not 1 but 3 different rainbows and the entire 180 degrees views!!!!
But civilisation manifesting itself in the form of electric lines and poles is something the camera lens simply cannot ignore...! A picture unfortunately cannot capture or invoke the same gamut of emotions that the lens of the naked eye does, which technology has not come close to simulating yet....but yes, can remind u of how u felt:)
This pic above is the real, un-photoshopped, uncropped, raw version just as it was clicked and just need to multiply its beauty a few times for how it looked!

Some wine tasting of, I think it was called Sanguine something at Oakville (oak, bitter sweet chocolate, fruit,...lost track) left me with the oaky, 'thovarpu' taste in my mouth! Felt like an anpadh ghawar trying to understand the supposed differences between chardonnay, poit noir, and something blah blah (or rather bleuah bleuah..;))...and their characteristic flavours...for all my...' i like wine' talks...must admit that this got too technical and painfully elitist for me 'common woman'! thank goodness, didnt take the vineyards tour on wine processing processes (at the cost of sounding like a wet blanket here!) what's google for..can get a virtual tour, worst case!:)

MMMmmmm...and the dipping oils and the dipping sauce, now lets talk about the taste buds going on a riot! olive oil n balsamic vinegar n herbs etc etc...exclusive stuff! So armed with this, am going on to re-create the Californian Italy back at namma Bengalooru!

Inadequacy...Envy...Greed...

2006-04-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

I sometimes think I am above these petty emotions...but they crop up for the most silliest reasons and leave me feeling terribly petty!

Inadequacy.....I just cant get myself to say...'so what if I can't yet drive a car in the US...big deal!' Well, it is such a normal thing to do here, an I hate not being able to do atleast the normal stuff...forget ditching an MS course (which I dont consider normal anyways)!
Have been told it is normal to feel uncertain at first but I realise that u need to relate to the vehicle, need to visualise myself enjoying the drive, which does not seem to be there for 4 wheelers, especially when I catch myself looking longingly at a sexy Harley-Davidson and imagining me on it...YES riding it, not on the pillion!! I know that it'll take me only seconds to start a motorbike for the first time and zoom off....no sweat! Will I ever be able to get my enticer back home or is it just a stupid impractical dream....

Envy...when u hear of people carrying on very happily without u, be it at work or at home or elsewhere, a small pang of envy spreads its icy fangs slowly and lingers on. Strange! since u wanted things to go on smoothly without u in the first place!

Greed...well thats when u want to have it all! Want everything, should have the cake and eat it too and also want an icecream after that, and yeah of course a drink! Just can't stand missing out on the important stuff while I am away....as though time halts for the rest of the world, just so that I dont miss out!

time out..will visit the other deadly sins later...

who is calling...

2006-04-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

this strange pull
these undefined feelings
full of contradictions
the song of my land triggers an outburst
like the fizz gushes out from the bottle of champagne
unexpected...unwarranted...
...champagne is great stuff n all, but I still like to fall to the floor!
[ok that was a pathetic analogy...but so apt!]

Yosemite....The reason is finally clear!

2006-04-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

There is a reason for everything...I have been out to snowy countries thrice and once to the Himalayan foothills never seen the white magic ever! Italy was a bad miss...it snowed the day after I left!!Then I see snow in all its magnificence at the Yosemite national park - California!! And add to it the waterfalls and the green and the red leaves and the blue skies and the rocks and hills...what do you have? a few picture postcard calenders...except that this time I got greedy and included myself in all the picture postcards...'patel snaps' as they call it;)

So like they said so truly 'everything happens for a reason' and this time the reason that I missed all the snow so narrowly elsewhere was to get the most spectacular view with greater company to boot! And I believe in the most narcissistic way that nature conspired to bring this to me:)))
Anything more I say about this place will dilute its essence!

Big Sur and San Fransisco!

2006-03-27T11:40:00.000-08:00

Day 1: 25th march '06 The Big Sur drive on the picturesque pacific coast...greeeeeeen hills on one side and the ocean on the other! With extremely, interestingly great and long chats with friends on all ranges of topics. Took pictures while stopping on all the 'vista' points with a brave attempt to set a foot into the brrrrrrr coooold waters of the Pacific...mannn the cold seeped through to the tip of my head, that too when the sun was high up!!!! Some shopping for electronic equipment for survival here and of course food....!!! how could I miss that....yummy karnataka meals at Dasprakash, a tall, latte, blah and blah...coffee:) at Starbucks, masala idli and masala chai at Woodlands served by chetta:) And of course a peek into their 'town house' basically a triplex;) which is yet to be explored. Special mention - the warmth and comfort and ease which you can feel only with old friends who are so easy to talk to:)

Day2: 26the March '06 San Fransisco here we come!! After a heavy breakfast at the hotel buffet with the cousins...a power nap while on the drive reached the Golden Gate...hmmm this is where the angel-whitelighters meet up in 'Charmed'!!:) After the 'been there, done that' snaps moved on to the fun clicking. The vision of the guy who built this is simply amazing - he put in a 6 lane bridge in the early 1900s when SF had only 250 cars!!!!! Deve Gowda and family should take a lesson or 2....Next was the Miur woods - the redwood trees hikes...after a bit of walking with non-walking, impractical footwear and not seeing any redwood trees, the sight of the trees when we actually got there was cathartic to say the least....could just feel the calm seeping in, the cold felt beautiful and the foot ache vanished! Moved to 'Crooked street' after lunch...well kudos to the Americans for making the best of a tiny opportunity to push something like this to a world famous tourist spot! The road slopes down (a few degrees more than the slope-iest Banashankari road) and these guys have just made it go zig zag and lo! you have the 'crooked street of the world'!! Headed next to the twin peaks with a beatiful view of the SF city and chilly winds...then to Fisherman' s Wharf towards dusk. There were sea lions crooning away...a full of activity coastal delight place. Alcatraz was there beckoning...hmmmm well next time maybe:) got amazing shots..the sky was beautiful...shopped a bit and went off to Ghirardelli the chocolate factory...ordered huge the sinful looking icecreams and the calorie count was climbing...soared! Wont ask people for ice cream for a while now :- 'Lets try a late night movie on imax' was the next item on their enthusiastic list! My eyes were closing of their own accord, but I said 'sure I am game!!'...greeeeeed! Found it impractical after a parking drama and headed back to silicon city! All I remember is waking up in front of my hotel.

sense and sensitivities

2006-03-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

"You were just a bad example while I was growing up" hit me like a ton of bricks! Couldnt respond...tried to crack a joke about it and completely put it out of my mind....and succeeded. But the words kept coming back...over and over again. I kicked myself...why did I not respond with a 'putting people in place' statement that I am so well known for??!!! perhaps it was the childhood complex surfacing all over again...became totally blank and felt lowly and inferior? maybe...is it that I still have'nt gotten over those childhood comparisons of "your younger cousin is fair (as in complexion)...u r dark", "ur younger cousin is a brilliant student and u r an average", "your younger cousin got a campus placement, with a $%^&* starting sal and you are still attending vague job fairs"...?

I tried to analyse why the statement was made...after all these years of growing up into 'responsible adults'.....was it the time I tried to take her to a movie or introduce her to Jane Austen, to get a life when all she knew was her text books, or the time I spent all time watching cable TV and not 'scoring' instead, or the time when I showed her my movie stars book of pictures I had cut out of magazines when I was 11, or was it everything...wrath incurred just by being myself? Must have been all of those...and am glad she realised it early in life and didnt follow my 'example'...god forbid then, she would have ended up like me!! Now that's blashphemy isnt it??!! outcast...out of the caste, lesser in value in terms of status or moneys, living life on one's own terms....now who wants to be all that! It is easier to confirm and do the 'right' thing! Let's just be politically correct and say 'to each his own'.

well at the end of this monologue...all I can conclude is that I am still a coward and use the internet to be spiteful and I am ungrateful for all the hospitality I receive and I can be a really mean b**** when I want to...on the internet that is! And people like me who pretend to 'not care' still carry around some baggages of long ago years and some things strangely remain raw and sometimes it hurts!
But nothing changes the fact that it takes all kinds of experiences to make you the person you are and I guess I am quite comfortable with the person I turned out to be....bad example or not!

BLACKLISTED

2006-03-17T01:45:00.000-08:00

I had to face a difficult situation sometime ago. A good friend of mine points to this other lady and says, "I don't understand how people like this can be happy", the voice was filled with disgust and loathing, or I don't know if I was imagining it. When I asked what caused that statement, I was told, "she has applied for divorce, she wants to get rid of him". I was shocked, not because this other girl had applied for divorce, but because this good friend of mine was being so...What's the word..Puritanical?Judgmental? I do not know.
A million thoughts and emotions raged through my mind and the first one was anger, again not at the girl who applied for divorce but at my friend, and probably me for listening to all this. It all came flooding back then, the comments about the going-to-be-divorced girl's clothing and the way she carried herself etc etc over the last few months. Then I tried to reason with her, "you never know what prompted her to do it, do you?", "I know quite a few divorcees, their stories are always sad, and really not one person's fault", "people who put up a brave front and look happy maybe the victims", "its sometimes considered better to part ways when the going is decent than to suffer and die a bitter person" and an added million other thoughts all trying to take center stage! Its not that my friend is the vile villain or I am this super sensitive good soul, it just has to do with perspectives and the amount of experiences or exposure one has. She is actually one of the most generous, forgiving people I know.
Well, none of my thoughts and words did get much bhaav and the topic got changed and I was left frustrated, since I wanted desperately to hear an acknowledgement of what I said and I wanted an understanding or atleast a willingness to keep open mind that there generally is more than meets the eye, that dressing in a way that's considered hip and happening does not necessarily mean that someone is 'fast and easy', or takes relationships very lightly or is promiscuous (not that any of this was ever said, but always gets implied...hanging in the air types) and even if that is so, what business does anybody have to question the way someone lives his/her life?, and putting on a brave/happy front need not imply anything! I had gotten myself so angry...I was seething!
I am truly hoping that the little of what I said will trigger off something....sometime. But again who am I to judge this friend, who am I to say she should keep an open mind. Maybe there's something in her experience that has her reacting this way,.......... and maybe I will also get blacklisted in these circles for what I was trying to say, and maybe that's not so bad after all....kinda used to that anyways....a lot of maybes. But I do believe that a debate and discussion and dialog however depressing and frustrating go a long way in change of attitude for a healthier more open atmosphere. On that thought I am not seething anymore:)

when destiny takes over...

2006-03-16T05:02:00.000-08:00

ok! here is a word I very seldom use in my vocabulary...destiny/fate. Truly always believed that we are where we are, etc etc simply because of the choices we make at some point and our own efforts or the lack of it. But sometimes some things just happen! We dont put any effort, we dont draw them towards us (atleast not conciously), we make terrible stupid goofups which should actually make them work otherwise, and we also come to a point where we dont want things to happen and simply avoid anything to do with it. And they happen, and you feel the rug pulled from beneath your feet. You dont know if its for better or for worse.....And like our famous Murphy says, they will happen at the most inopportune moments...when you really really dont want them to or actually dont want them to ever happen! The best part is, you have to pretend that everything's normal and cool and get on with life....ok! I really dont know where I am going with this...just had to put this down.....

Blank Noise

2006-03-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

A project to recognise eve-teasing or rather street sexual harassment as a sexual crime
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

I am trying to remember all the various times that the noise in my head was refused meaning....was blank. And frankly I have just lost count!

But the very first time was when me and my friend (we were both around 12yrs old!) were walking on the roadside, she closer to the road, and a fellow cycling from the opposite side groped at my friend. It was probably less than a second and he fled. Both of us were stunned..I actually remember shivering! I dont think we were even able to scream or react. My friend recovered first and said "He must have thought that the glittery design on my dress's neckline was a gold chain". Ok! that explains it I thought and totally shut down that voice which was screaming in my head...both of us knew we were fooling ourselves and neither of us admitted to it. We actually related the incident to her folks that somebody tried to chain snatch on a cycle. And exactly a week after that, the same thing happened to me at a different place as I was walking alone. I had no glittery neckline for his defence and this time and believe it or not, was a 12 year old KID wearing a salwar kameez with a dupatta to boot! I remember not sharing this with anyone at home, not sleeping that night, thinking, 'what did I do?' that's it....'WHAT DID I DO?', 'there must have been something I did'. I remember hating myself for it. I remember feeling like a lowly creature, but I dont remember getting angry at the groper, since I was conditioned to believe (at 12!!) that it must have been something I did!
It's been about 15 years since then and nothing has changed much. Here we are at it again. And all that talk about she 'asked for it' by wearing or rather not wearing whatever holds no water when I think of my huge pink salwar kameez with a huger dupatta that I owned when I was 12! Come to think of it...maybe thats why I hate wearing dupattas so much!

an afterthought: Caught up in the 'it must have been me' to this day, I have even tried looking 'married'! tried the sindoor and other objects and symbolisms I simply dont relate to! And nothing has helped! NOTHING! So everyone with all these smart, condescending analyses and theories should basically shove it up!

blacked out!!!!!!

2006-03-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

a speedbreaker (like in a hump ..... LOL!)
daaaarkkkk
opaque
misty eyed
foggy
stormy
glueey
breaks failed...brakes also!
didnt hit any breakpoints (whats that which slipped into my so-called poetry!)
blasted into a door
keeerrraaashed into the oncoming stone wall !!!
lying face down
cant move a thing
calling out..no response

[Ok peace!!!! this describes my current situation while I am trying to solve or rather understand why my software is crashing!booohooo am I in the wrong place doing the right things or in the right place doing the wrong things!]

solitude misunderstood!

2006-03-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Recently read this piece by Mahesh Dattani in the Week - passing thought section. He writes about people's choices to stay/live alone which is generally looked at very sympathetically, gist being, loner always made== lonely.
I remember that as a kid that I was quite content being the loner but would always get looked at very sympathetically (being a single child over and above this just adds to the spice!). Even to this day, I have absolutely no issues sipping coffee or shop or travel all by myself. Not that I dont enjoy company of people or abhor a good chat/gossip, it's just that I quite enjoy 'my' company too. And very frankly, I have never had longings for siblings to make me complete. Turned out quite normal and even a little generous being the single child.

Quite a few of my growing up years were spent in opposing the instituion of marriage et all and the strong opinion got more meat when people would give me really skewed ideas to get married and procreate! Would be either 'what about companionship when you are old and grey?' or 'what about support systems when you are old, in the form of your children who will look after you when you cannot?'. And since these things were supposedly sound reasons, I would retort 'Why the hell should I punish myself today to be looked after when I am old? I'll find another way!' ...the feminist that I was!
My arrogance didnt go down very well but quite a few these folks' 'budhape ke sahare's are NRIs and some some dont even have their old and grey life partners! And they do manage to chug along inspite of not wanting to be alone, swallowing expectations from their kith and kin. But yes I do agree, really sorry state, especially if you dont understand the term 'loner'! and if you are conditioned in your expectations from fellow humans. Most of them cannot even relate to the idea of an old age home and equally ruined gets their NRI children's pride.... Not that I have any problems with making your fortunes and a better life in another country...perfectly fine to be an NRI, absolutely no judgement on that one. I just analyse the various pride and expectations equations here. I could go on, but thats another topic all by itself!

If I am married today despite my earlier revolts, it is definitely not to have a companion at 60 but to have one today! And I still very much am a loner who still likes to go shopping alone (to the obvious relief of husband:)), think my own thoughts and find ways to avoid obligatory social events (Of course the seriousness of the situation of avoiding social events can be very high when you are a 'marital status' person! and I like a good challenge as always;)) or travelling alone. And no, dont want to have kids as an old age investment or because there's nothing better to do or because babies are good fun or it's the law of nature or the biological clock is ticking....! Only if and when there is a real, true need (not sure what that is yet) and sure enough, I will still remain the 'loner'!

fear factor!

2006-02-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

of being mediocre
of being left out
of rejection
of losing control
of hurting feelings
of being hurt
of leaving comfort zones
of getting stuck in comfort zones
of not being able to undo
of 'I told U so' s
of time flying
of the unknown!

knocking on ur door

2006-02-23T01:21:00.000-08:00

is the opportunity to 'do'
the other is the opportunity for the 'do' to be 'seen'

even talent seems to be mutually exclusive
some can 'do' very well but cannot 'show'
some 'shooooooooooow' without being able to 'do' ;)

grrrrrr.....

2006-02-21T21:36:00.000-08:00

just when u think u have it all figured out and start settling in...
there! at the end of the corridor appears something that disturbs the equilibrium...starts as a ripple and turns into a tsunami
ignore it, in return get a rude slap
u fight it and the battle seems impossible
get pulled into the quicksand, limbs flailing...refusing..fighting
then calm down and think of a new strategy
there always is another perspective
and then its all about choices
pick one...the others come back to haunt...
life's like that....

of puttu and pongal in the land of potholes

2006-02-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

of white mundus and koshampodavais
of realistic (depressing!) intelligent stories and mindless superstar worship
of meen curry and vathal kozhambu
of kathakali masks and kuthuvilakkus
of simplified rules and elaborate systems
of the creative and the mathematical
of a love story chugging along in the land of potholes

when u cant pin it down....

2006-02-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

when u go thinking in circles
when u know not what ails u
what role do u play
where does it begin and end
or does it
what are the rules of the game
what is the game
who plays by whose rules
who made the rules
who decides u play or not
who really wants to play with u
why do u want to play
when do u decide to let go
how do u decide to let go
let go of what
why solve
why solutions
why does it all have to add up
or multiply
to what end
to what goal
to what purpose
why end
why goal
why purpose