c'est la vie

When we are faced with testing times, there are a lot of things we abuse the world for and questions we ask ourselves. When we earnestly ask and really want to know, we do get the right answers. It could be a message at the back of a car "Jesus loves you, ask and he shall give" (Pls Note - Not advocating 'born-again-anything-religious'), it could come as a word of wisdom from someone you hardly expect to be wise, a book left on the table of a waiting room with some insight, a negative behaviour from someone you put on a pedestal even....a whole lot of messages. One only needs to be aware and open.  

Why this ranting? I have practiced Yogasanas intermittently from childhood....I dont say Yoga, I say asanas. And thats all I have done....and maybe some pranayama and meditation. The recent teacher's training course I joined would also have been just another yogasana exercise, except that I was in the right phase of life to appreciate what it really meant to lead a Yogic way of life. I had been asking all these questions and personally the answers here seem most satisfying. I felt elated that the Yoga is THE answer and jumped into it headlong, only to have huge limitations and blocks imposed on me to practice it in its entirety and the testing times only getting worse. The more I think I want to work on some obstacle, cirscumstances change to test me with the biggest of them all, as if mocking me to rethink if I really am capable of it. The need for attachments being the most difficult of them all. Attachments to things, food, habits, behavior, desires, pets, acheivements, and of course the biggest of them all...People. Attachments lead to expectations which lead to disappointment, the obvious cycle. Even without expectations, they can cost you a lot of emotion.

It isnt that easy to appreciate the principles of Karma and Dharma when faced with situations where you need to be detached-yet-attached in the temporary worldly way for as long as your soul inhabits the human body. As always it is easier to intellectualise than to practice. But my path is set and there is progress and a lot of Peace that comes with it and that Quality of Peace is...to say the least, ADDICTIVE!

Stepping off the philosophy halo effect (if the reader is still reading!), we all ask at some point - why me? Anything isnt really that big a deal if you detach yourself from it. We are just slaves of our thinking and the mind plays dangerous games. Some may want to move away from it, or some may want to revel in it. Its a CHOICE and that choice is entirely in our hands...no amount of harping on Destiny takes that Choice away.

There are different paths to feeling the Peace.....the yogic path is one of them...a path that has worked for me and a whole lot of others apparently. It then becomes my duty to share it with whoever needs it (just have to find a less boring-sounding way :-)).

Logos, Mythos & Ekstasis

Was reading the intro bit of the book The Case for God at a cafe at lunch and got carried into the self introspection of what religion is personally in the modern world context and what God means! Couldnt go beyond the first few pages, but left me thinking enough to write this note...

Logos for logic in Greek is how I primarily remember being till recently, requiring a scientific and logical explanation for everything and not convinced otherwise. Served (still does) me really well for the best part of life, except when I couldnt figure out how some things simply dont add up. Despite being very thankful for a keenly analytical mind, there have been times I remembered going for the overkill with analysis, destorying precious moments of joy.....especially joy. And somehow despite it all the Mythos (Mythical) way of looking at life that seems to have crept in unknown. The route - my Art. Always been a part of life, in the background, grounding me, adding a touch of faith when things seemed murky and unfathomable. A creative way of problem solving rather than a logical one. Something that worked beyond the 'limits of logic'. Classical music and dance are quite structured and at the surface they dont seem to let the free flow without having a process or rules around them. BUT! When one revels in them, and keeps practicing the joy and immense emotion they bring is the ekstasis. Indescribable by any argument of logos. As my Guru handed me the ghungroos and said, this will come to your rescue when things are down, I wanted to tell her, they already had!

As a budding teacher I learn something new about my dance and myself every moment even while teaching the same things over and over again. I astonish myself at how much my students seem to enjoy themselves, and not necessarily always for the dance but just to be in this positive environment we have all come together to create! When they remember me with such great fondness and undiluted love, wherever they are, it warms me so much and there is absolutely no logical explanation for that. When I remember that if I had tried to envisage an event scale that happened on Dec 3rd 2011 within the limits of logic and practicality, I would have given up on day one! It was the thinking beyond logic that brought together like minded people to selflessly participate and made it possible to execute....of course logically.

The universe conspires.....and THAT is GOD!

I am slowly learning not to question everything, especially the good things and to believe that the 'coincidences' arent the exceptions of logic but they are there because you asked for them. Maybe fervently asked for them at some point and forgot about it since the logical mind didnt expect them to happen. And that they do not need to be scrutinised and dissected and analysed just because some past experiences have shown you how trusting your faith in yourself or other people has let you down.

But this learning is with a fear, hopefully a healthy fear and it takes practice to have complete faith and it is a process. Like repeating the single foot chakkars until the skin peeled off from the foot and the new smooth one replaced it to show off the ease of the chakkars later. The faith was for the words of a Guru who promised to trust her that the new smooth skin will work wonders. This practice, this honing of the mind and the heart, as the book seems to suggest, is Religion.....and the way it was supposed to be done are the rituals, to reach out to a state of that defies logical explanation and boundaries.

The unrelenting faith and the hope which guide me is the GOD!

When the stakes are not high in terms of money or other attachments in the final leg of life's journey, and when you and I are just here to do our karma which is to be happy without hurting ourselves or other beings, nothing really matters. Karmanne vaadhikaraste......

The roads taken a long time ago... and then the new ones...

Some are closed, some are dug up, some look terribly new and unrecognisable, some ask me where I was all these years and invite me back with open arms, on some I fall and get up and sooo wanna get back into action despite the hurt and the pain... and there is never doubt I that will...

Mostly its the freedom of discovery of the roads, the joy and the excitement that keep me going! The people I meet on the way, the bonds I build, the changes I undergo, the person I evolve into continuously...

There is the unknown, the unexplored, the mystery, the uncertainty, but no fear...never....I realise as I feel the freedom of sometimes zipping, sometimes cruising along these roads. The is never a feeling of being lost. I always find a way out...some by myself, some 'cos of the good Samaritans that just pop up out of nowhere.

The power of Faith ...for some it is somewhere up there, for me mostly, its in my tangibles, in my actions, in my karma, in my art, in the human resilience... in myself!

I started writing this as a 'newly acquired 2-wheeler' journey in the literal sense and found the different dimensions along... got me philosophical and serious.... mostly after having looked at the footage tragedies in Japan... wish to share my 2 cents worth strength and prayers with them....

cycle of the wait...

Sometimes we never learn. We get hit, run over, stamped and what not, but we never learn. A sweet helpless pout, remorseful words, a tear or two, and the heart melts with forgiveness!! Again and again for years together.... symbolisms are hardly ever followed up with actions and then we go again.... wearing the sign - "I am easy, come take me for granted"!

All that's left behind the symbols and words - sleepless nights and days of waiting....and waiting....and waiting...

Mumbai, Pune Diaries....

MUMBAIIII - Jan 5th to Jan 9th 2011:

Some quick first impressions of the big bad city of chaos...

- The taxi driver gives me change of Rs. 3/- on a fare of Rs. 127/- exactly shown on the meter. My eyes popped out!!! This after he realised I had no clue about were I was going (athough I tried to pretend) and had instantly become my tour guide, telling me about all the buildings and areas! I actually felt guilty telling him to keep the change...lest I bring bad habits from Bengaluru!

- The local train!!! I so loved it...sorely missed in namma Bengaluru! Must admit though that u need to ask to figure out things, lest one assumes Singapore type direction maps and all....

- Oooooh the beaches! Be it a late night chat...read 2 a.m...on marine drive/queen's necklace/lover's nest/Subhash Chandra Bose Road with a friend...or the crazy marketeers of chaat on Juhu.....I can stare at the water for hours! But really have some mercy...the Girgaon chowpaty is in the dumps literally! It's plastic and garbage strewn all over! And to think I worried that the shoes I had worn instead of chappals would'nt let me feel the water on my toes!!!

- Another word about the local transport...when I ask the auto driver 'Santa Cruz?' he just stares back blankly...while I wait for his highness to approve of my destination. Talk about getting in bad habits....arrre he cudnt care less where I am going...get in already! Took me a while to stop asking them hesitantly, while I pray they agree to come. After 4 days of this, gonna be hard to stop myself from walking straight into an auto confidently!

- The Mumbai Darshan.... a dinchak bollywoodish tour wasnt something up my alley.. what with co-passengers staring at the single 'Indian' female. I wondered..."In Mumbai??" oh yeah...sorry...Mumbaikars arent doing the Mumbai Darshan! ANyway....its cheap...I mean money-wise and surely value for money. My jeevan is saarthak after having made darshan of bungalows of Lata Mangeshkar, Ambanis, Amitabh, Salman, Rekha, Rajesh Khanna...rest I forget...of course 'Mannat'! haha! I dont have to do my Kashi Yatra now! But Hey! I did quite like the Nehru Science center with kids running all over and the fantastic show at the planetarium.

- Living in the Colaba area felt just like that..."Living"!! Walking around the heritage buildings at any time of the day or night, the Taj and Gateway neighborhood pondering on life and its temporariness, makes you want to LIVE IT UP!

- The weekend shows at NCPA - Dr. L Subramaniam's magic and explorations of Lady Macbeth using classical dance, NGMA, Jehangir Art Gallery, Prince of wales Museum, Prithvi's ambience - made me feel like I was combining work with pleasure and what pleasure it was to work!!

PUNE - Dec 28th to Jan 5th:

- Relaxed setting, Bangalore like weather, therapeutic cooking sessions and felt much like home, for all the vegetating that I needed....not to mention the mind space required to make some big decisions in life!

- Koregoan park, Camp, MG Road, Kalyani Nagar, Magarpatta...explored as much as possible with the 'transport' available....even managed an art of living bhajan on new year's day. And very thankful for the transport :-)

- The drive upto Sinhagad was torturous on a Sunday with the whole crowd going up there to create a traffic jam. Managing a U turn and getting back after covering 3/4th uphill was quite the task! Parbati was the alternate destination and was well worth spending the evening of my day of birth so many years ago, contemplating achievements and failures on a hilltop mandir.

Love can be damned..respect is paramount!

Read on an agony aunt column answered by Pooja Bedi....
The agony is of a woman who is in a relationship with someone who claims he will love her all his life, but wont marry cos his folks wont agree...however he will marry someone else.
So Ms. Bedi says to the effect - It is clear he wants u to be a side dish.....it depends on wht u want n life..... if I were u, I'd walk out in a jiffy. "love can be damned, respect is paramount".

When I read it the first time around..I said wow Ms. Bedi....way to go...u hit the nail on its head! But there was something nagging about that statement....wasnt respect a part of love??? When did they become mutually exclusive? Does one really love someone and treat him/her without respect? And does one who puts up with lack of respect in a relationship labeled 'warm and loving' respect oneself? Or was it lust she was talking about then?......

At the cost of sounding old..

I savour the days when the hotspots of Bengaluru (what we knew as Bangalore) were - All Saints/Fatima stores (to buy imported bread stuff and chocos and dates), Indiana or La Casa (to hangout with buddies cos they were the most happening cool places), Pavitra hotel at Jayanagar (To go for sumptuous meals with family which offered 'North Indian' khana), the few fruit chaats and other street chaats on the streets or the special treats in sukh sagar (cos our immunity was really high and the taste was perfect), the 2 or 3 small jewelry stores mom would drag me to (cos they knew her tastes so well and designed jewelry which took a long time to get made and she'd wait patiently, after all it took a long time to even plan it), the rare KSIC or one other place where sarees shopping would be a well thought out affair, the English teleserials and different language movies on Doordarshan late nights, and so on the list goes.....

Loved the waiting, the longing, the novelty, the savouring, feeling special and remember it all with a tad bit nostalgia... especially in the post liberalisation era, where there we are so spoilt for choice and and there's so much to do on even 2-day weekends, when even I (forget the newer generation) dont think things get done fast enough.

I miss them days and I miss myself from that age when I feel the stress of daily life....

Thanks Katie Perry!

Listening to You makes my day!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Chah Nahin

Chah Nahin Mai Sur-Bala Ke Gehnon Mein Guntha Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Premi Mala Mein Bindh, Pyari Ko Lalkaoon...

Chah Nahin Samraton Ke Shav Par, Hey Hari Dala Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Devon Ke Sar Par Chadoon, aur Bhagya Par Itraoon...

Mujhey Tod Lena Banmali, Us Path Par Tum Dena Phenk...

Matra Bhoomi Par Sheesh Chadhaney, Jis Path pa rJaayen Veer Anek!

- Harivanshrai Bachhan

An attempt at an english translation:

Not on a damsel's beauty to adorn
Not in a lover's garland to beckon
Not on the king's body to mourn
Not on images of Gods, to be blessed upon
But O' gardener, let me fall around
Where the martyrs of my motherland walked the ground!

Shanti!

Read somewhere:

The worst in life is "ATTACHMENT " it hurts when you lose it, the best in life is "LONELINESS" as it teaches you to be with yourself & when you lose it, you get Everything!

And these lessons are best appreciated when one experiences them, unfortunately! And one knows that its surely going to take a lot of time, effort and resilience to reach anywhere near 'Everything'.

Some attachments when lost don't just hurt... it feels like your heart was literally pulled out with bare hands and all the blood was squeezed brutally until dry. It has the uncanny ability to remain embedded in your thoughts all the time and you wonder, is this gonna be the case forever? Is this punishment and revenge for having deliberately killed that same attachment that was an actual, physical part of you? The answers are not clear, since choices were made while trying to keep the balance without toppling over. But one hopes... 'This too shall pass" And with that chant you move on, putting up a brave front and breezy appearances, for the sake of the ones you don't want to hurt by burdening them of the knowledge of the difficult choices you made.

Still miles to go.... but the thought does have a beautiful ring to it... and if something hasnt killed you, it has only made you stronger!

No more

As I sit by amidst storms threatening to overwhelm

I break resolves over and over

But at some point the hilarity of it all dosent cease to amuse

What seems desolate is just an illusion

I tell myself

But the sensible side knows I cant keep this up much longer

Isnt easy to break free of crutches

Better do it sooner than later

Independence is the key

Anything more is a bonus

Working for bonuses is what finally happens

Over and over again.... breaking resolves

The independence to be in love with myself takes a back seat again

As the loneliness looms larger than life

Face it, is the answer

No more crutches....get away from them

No more bonus treats for the momentary satisfaction

Aye zindagi...peace now!

Chota sa saaya tha, ankhon mein aaya tha,
Humne do boondhon se man bhar liya

Didnt think it may not suffice

After all, thats how the drug tempts

Humne bahane se, chupke zamaane se,

Palkon ke parde mein ghar kar liya,

And in that illusion there was turmoil

A tornado that cleans out pretty much everything

Disturbs the equilibrium

Upsets it....destroys!

Settling down there is an unnatural calmness

The left over ruins

But settled it has...the Storm!

Tera sahaara mil gaya hai zindagi

Tera kinaara mil gaya hai zindagi

No regrets

No guilt

Peace...silver linings visible..

Aye zindagi gale laga le,
Humne bhi tere har ek gham ko,
Gale se lagaya hain, hain naa..

(Sorry Gulzarji for the plagiarism! Just that the words connect sometimes and one wants to add....)

Nautankis of life!

Of dramatic entrances...exits....last words!

Only in movies?

Naah the scripts in real life are full of them too!

The ego takes over...

Especially the hurt one!

Some silent cutting words

Some loud angry ones

Some cold as a stone punch lines

Some long explanations...pathetic...helpless

Some tears

Some malicious laughters

Many unburied memories flashing by...

A lot many brave, nonchalant masks to hide everything!

Naach!

Dance, with the ecstasy taking over
Move with the flow
Koi sharth nahi hai jo
Jus' madness...no boundaries...no rules...no reason
In the rains...storm even!
Bheegja Bheegja
Soak your soul in the music
On this beat...moment of life
No other...
Naach!!!

To Paris with Love...

I read this on lonely planet about Paris - http://www.lonelyplanet.com/france/paris/travel-tips-and-articles/42/35737. They talk about why Paris is really a place for romantic love and why the cliche holds. Back in 2004 when I visited Paris on official work, I remember feeling that cliche...thick in the air. It was summer and probably the best season to be outdoors, sip wine and canoodle in public spaces and metros, like they show in the movies...I tried to be scandalised, shocked, cynical or puritanical about it. But no! that attitude just crumbles and you begin to feel warm and nice and romantic even if you are the ultimate cynic! The city just does that to you.

I was working long hours with no time to brood about being alone, but that feeling of longing would creep in unexpectedly! My colleagues at the Vodafone lab where I worked would give me all the interesting info required by a tourist and I would take off after work almost everyday, to explore the city. Starting at dinner time, I would visit some place each day and get back just after midnight on the last metro! The sun would set only at 10pm and I felt completely safe. Although I stayed there for over a month, there were no free-from-work-weekends to take off to see the rest of France or Europe. I did manage do one weekend at Versailles on a cycling tour with a gang of Americans. That was fun! So were all the other 'Paris by night' and a couple of similar cycling trips I took with the same group. The ferry rides over river Seine were simply beautiful, where one could see people breaking into waltzes on the banks of the river or on the ferry itself....all those scenes from romantic Hollywood flicks which you never thought happened in real life! Managed to see the touristy and some less known places. Even managed to visit a jazz club where the music was live and the wine divine!

Left Paris when there was so much more left to do...check out Louvre a few more times, visit a cabaret, stand by the Seine in old Paris near Notre Dame, and so much more that I forget after all these years. But well...when I remember Paris...the first thing I seem to do is...SIGH...!!

Time never waits...

I am asked..."so u quit a cushy, really well paying, big sounding job and started on your own....any regrets?" Sets me thinking...."Yes just one....I should have quit much earlier and started on my own". Sounds like a haughty response, but hey! that's really true.
The older you get, the bigger the pay packet/office cabins/people-to-push-around gets and the larger the commitments and responsibilities and risks. Time only makes it harder to take any big step...not easier at all!
True for so many things in life. Single friends of mine in their 30s, especially women, tell me that there is no chance they are going to find someone to get married to. Their expectations are getting bigger and and choices smaller:-) One also gets so comfy and happy in one's comfort zone...its harder to change it even if it is for the better. But well...my single friends might be in a better zone already rather than being married...and this might be an exception here :-D

Change is not generally easy and passing of time only makes it so much harder. But once you push yourself to change, you look back and think, what was the fuss all about? One life to make the best of after all! And a smaller number of years if you leave out the times we were forced to be attending school and college and later hospitals to treat those knees or kidneys or whatever. To experience all there is to do...to give the best out....to indulge in small pleasures or larger ones....as they say "live life to the fullest".

If time waited for me to pause at an uncertain moment in life wouldnt it be great!? Let me sort out that pesky little thing and continue with the tick tock...but no....the tick tock goes on and gets louder especially when you are faced with the realities of biology of a human body and mind....and the vulnerabilities associated with it....

Will it ever end?

The quest for that 'something' in life...
Layers open up and reveal what they really were as I peel the old ones off
They force a bigger commitment out of me
So that I cant take off to the far away mountains whenever I want to
But is that the quest? - The faraway mountains...?
or will I reach there and feel the need to peel them off too?

Disruptions make me change
Change the way I think about things...things I would have never considered on my high horse long ago
Everything has a new meaning
I never stopped growing...learning
But how much disruption can I take?
Why do I seek out the disruptions myself?...aren't there enough coming my way already!
Will they disrupt me enough to become two different people?
All of us do wear masks...one for the outer world and another maskless face to oneself
but of late my masks seem unaware of the other
pulling in two different directions
tearing me apart!

What is it that I want to find?
Human happiness or something more divine?
Is there something more divine?
The human rules we live by govern what we need...and if I dont get what I need....
do I beg...borrow...steal.....grab....fret.....or....accept?
Will it end...the quest....will it end whatever I do?

Life suspended

What do you do when you begin to feel everything in life is on suspension mode?

At the library with all the Ludlums, Wodehouses beckoning, imagining myself curled up with books strewn all over the place, dark circles of pleasure around the eyes, I quickly shut it out and say...."later when I have that time to myself"

At home when dust has settled a few layers and the room is messed up with bags to be sorted out, imagining myself tidying up sweaty and dirty and loving the clean sites, I postpone it again...."No not now...cant afford to now...surely is a short while when I have the absolute freedom"

The plants drying up in the sun, pots in dire need of replacing, repotting, weeds giving me a mock salute...I say "Wait you devils, just a little bit, until I take the timeout...I'll tackle you guys!"

Mom's old recipes crying out loud for attention and asking to be passed to the next generation..."One day soon I'll get to you and take a crash course and learn it all"

The economic times and the investment plans being thrown to the newspaper raddi guy reminding me that this is what I'll end up later in life.."No No...I'll learn all there is to master in managing my finances like Zig Zagler or whoever tells us and have a an enviable portfolio ...just wait..no time now, but just wait"

The zillion movies my mate picked up with all the enthu to watch with me..."Not today, I have to do something useful" !! eh!?? what useful thing did I do finally?.....I forget

The learning that I shelled out a huge sum of money for.....now its "Until I find time to devote more time to this, I can only prepare for the exams and clear them"!!

The keyboard...a sorry sight, which was bought after years of craving for one; taken for granted in the corner now "Until I have more peace I cant play...but that day is just around the corner"

Disovery and Nat Geo and backpackeurope.com popping out everywhere as messages...."I'll take that break and just set out..just waiting for that right moment"

The bad roads and the traffic and the general disillusionment telling you that its time YOU did something...."yes of course! Just a matter of lack of time right now...in good time..."

The dancing sacrificed, the singing badly aloud in the bathroom replaced by planning the tasks, the heart to hearts with good friends ending up as staid SMSes or mindless scraps and pokes....

The whirlpool sucks you into its security and recession and slowdown and money and questions and free advice from 'well meaning' well wishers who have already been sucked right into it, you go on postponing and suspending it...LIFE that is......for how long? until the next layoff or serious illness or ........?

Grandmother's Ghost

My cousin's wife, Komal a mother of two, could be best described as puny. And she had a voice to suit her frame. In her household in the small town, she was hardly ever seen or heard. Her dominating in-laws, her almost-on-the-path-to-alcoholism hubby probably made sure of this. To me she seemed to be the epitome of patience and sacrifice, your typical bharatiya nari...suffering in silence.
At one of our family function, most of the family including Komal were gathered, and the preparations had started since dawn. This was a serious event, requiring utmost care in preparing all the specific dishes and the rituals. I was the city bred kid visiting for the event and kept at arm's length, lest I dismantle the setup. Komal was her subservient self, going about her duties, not saying much. The men were served and the women sat down to have lunch. All seemed well, until Komal started to scream and rant out of the blue like a woman possessed, and it surely did not sound like her. She addressed her father-in-law in singular, admonished his brother (my father) for not turning up at the family gathering and called out to their sisters, all the time referring to them as her children. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets while she was shivering and muttering incoherences. My inital reaction was that of disbelief at this surreal occurrence. Looking around I saw that the family responded to her like she was possessed with grandmother's spirit. The same grandmother who passed away in a tragic death 40 years ago! The same grandmother who was described to be a soft spoken, kind hearted woman by my father. The same grandmother who had apparently suffered at the hands of her in-laws and developed hysteria. The same one who passed away under mysterious circumstances during her pregnancy.
Komal went on to demand that all her children fall at her feet and seek her blessings. She ordered my step-grandmother around and gave her a huge list of expectations. She gobbled up food like there was no tomorrow. She asked for specific items in the menu and the ladies were promptly scurrying about. But she did not seem to forget to tell her in-laws that they would be filled with prosperity and and lead a very fulfilling life! No none of that to her other children, but to the eldest. Very interesting indeed!
I felt suspended in time! Thoughts ranging from suspended belief to fear to amusement to cynicism clouded my head. What was going on? Was this a rehearsed charade? She then started speaking details of grandmother as my father's generation knew it. It was simply amazing! The cynicism started to crumble and left me confused. I could not see the logic or science to it. I was almost forced to believe what the others had simply accepted. I looked at them. Most of them were actually post graduates. I wondered if I really cannot keep an open mind. They asked me to fall at 'Grandmother's' feet and seek her blessings. She was looking into my eyes, daring me to do otherwise. I said to myself "The mere act of doing the act is not going to make me a changed person or any lesser". I complied rather mechanically. When I completed the task I was shocked to see that my hands were shaking. I let it be and refrained from analyzing anymore.
Komal fainted after close to an hour of the changed behavior. My folks just let her lie there and moved off to talk in hushed tones. After a few minutes, routine took over and people went about their business. I found myself coming back to peep into the room she was in wondering about it all.
Komal was awake after about an hour and had managed to silently join the living room folks. She didn't seem to notice anything different. They spoke to her like nothing had happened. I gathered the courage to go upto her secretly and ask her if she was ok and if she remembered anything of the last couple of hours. My folks had warned us against bringing up anything with her. Her expression said everything. All she knew was that she was very tired and had been asleep for the last couple of hours. She did mention that her throat was really sore, head really ached and that she had eaten too much. She had clear and contrasting dark circles under her weary eyes.
It was then that all those stories I had read about multiple sclerosis/schizophrenia/splitting of one's personality or whatever they called it, came flooding to my mind. At my silence, she decided that I was done asking after her and headed towards her chores. I drew on the parallels between what she is going through and what my grandmother did at the hands of her in-laws. I mentioned my thoughts to a couple of elders who I thought might understand. That Komal might be in need of treatment or else she might have to face severe deterioration of her mental health. I did not seem to get through them but they assured me that they would look into it. I was told that I should refrain from mentioning this to the others, for who am I to question faith of the masses.
That was 10 years ago. I have not had an opportunity to visit the folks at my father's hometown again and have never heard about or from Komal after that. Her in-laws mention her very rarely and my memory of her remains as of that day. She has not turned up at any social gathering since then. All I pray for is that she does not live a ghost of a life that grandmother supposedly lived.

Holding on to the sanity

When thoughts defy logic, common sense
Rules and lines seem blurred
Voices echo from far away places....slurred
Not a junkie
Not a drunkie
Not in throes of passion or spirituality
Just another regular day
As hours..minutes...seconds make way
Counting the units of life
Asking whys whats whens hows wheres
the line that divides
sanity and insanity
illusions and reality