Grandmother's Ghost

My cousin's wife, Komal a mother of two, could be best described as puny. And she had a voice to suit her frame. In her household in the small town, she was hardly ever seen or heard. Her dominating in-laws, her almost-on-the-path-to-alcoholism hubby probably made sure of this. To me she seemed to be the epitome of patience and sacrifice, your typical bharatiya nari...suffering in silence.
At one of our family function, most of the family including Komal were gathered, and the preparations had started since dawn. This was a serious event, requiring utmost care in preparing all the specific dishes and the rituals. I was the city bred kid visiting for the event and kept at arm's length, lest I dismantle the setup. Komal was her subservient self, going about her duties, not saying much. The men were served and the women sat down to have lunch. All seemed well, until Komal started to scream and rant out of the blue like a woman possessed, and it surely did not sound like her. She addressed her father-in-law in singular, admonished his brother (my father) for not turning up at the family gathering and called out to their sisters, all the time referring to them as her children. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets while she was shivering and muttering incoherences. My inital reaction was that of disbelief at this surreal occurrence. Looking around I saw that the family responded to her like she was possessed with grandmother's spirit. The same grandmother who passed away in a tragic death 40 years ago! The same grandmother who was described to be a soft spoken, kind hearted woman by my father. The same grandmother who had apparently suffered at the hands of her in-laws and developed hysteria. The same one who passed away under mysterious circumstances during her pregnancy.
Komal went on to demand that all her children fall at her feet and seek her blessings. She ordered my step-grandmother around and gave her a huge list of expectations. She gobbled up food like there was no tomorrow. She asked for specific items in the menu and the ladies were promptly scurrying about. But she did not seem to forget to tell her in-laws that they would be filled with prosperity and and lead a very fulfilling life! No none of that to her other children, but to the eldest. Very interesting indeed!
I felt suspended in time! Thoughts ranging from suspended belief to fear to amusement to cynicism clouded my head. What was going on? Was this a rehearsed charade? She then started speaking details of grandmother as my father's generation knew it. It was simply amazing! The cynicism started to crumble and left me confused. I could not see the logic or science to it. I was almost forced to believe what the others had simply accepted. I looked at them. Most of them were actually post graduates. I wondered if I really cannot keep an open mind. They asked me to fall at 'Grandmother's' feet and seek her blessings. She was looking into my eyes, daring me to do otherwise. I said to myself "The mere act of doing the act is not going to make me a changed person or any lesser". I complied rather mechanically. When I completed the task I was shocked to see that my hands were shaking. I let it be and refrained from analyzing anymore.
Komal fainted after close to an hour of the changed behavior. My folks just let her lie there and moved off to talk in hushed tones. After a few minutes, routine took over and people went about their business. I found myself coming back to peep into the room she was in wondering about it all.
Komal was awake after about an hour and had managed to silently join the living room folks. She didn't seem to notice anything different. They spoke to her like nothing had happened. I gathered the courage to go upto her secretly and ask her if she was ok and if she remembered anything of the last couple of hours. My folks had warned us against bringing up anything with her. Her expression said everything. All she knew was that she was very tired and had been asleep for the last couple of hours. She did mention that her throat was really sore, head really ached and that she had eaten too much. She had clear and contrasting dark circles under her weary eyes.
It was then that all those stories I had read about multiple sclerosis/schizophrenia/splitting of one's personality or whatever they called it, came flooding to my mind. At my silence, she decided that I was done asking after her and headed towards her chores. I drew on the parallels between what she is going through and what my grandmother did at the hands of her in-laws. I mentioned my thoughts to a couple of elders who I thought might understand. That Komal might be in need of treatment or else she might have to face severe deterioration of her mental health. I did not seem to get through them but they assured me that they would look into it. I was told that I should refrain from mentioning this to the others, for who am I to question faith of the masses.
That was 10 years ago. I have not had an opportunity to visit the folks at my father's hometown again and have never heard about or from Komal after that. Her in-laws mention her very rarely and my memory of her remains as of that day. She has not turned up at any social gathering since then. All I pray for is that she does not live a ghost of a life that grandmother supposedly lived.

Holding on to the sanity

When thoughts defy logic, common sense
Rules and lines seem blurred
Voices echo from far away places....slurred
Not a junkie
Not a drunkie
Not in throes of passion or spirituality
Just another regular day
As hours..minutes...seconds make way
Counting the units of life
Asking whys whats whens hows wheres
the line that divides
sanity and insanity
illusions and reality

Of dreams to make come true....

I imagined

a deep shade of yellow

a dark shade of green

with a new lesson in life

stories fresh and clean

some music to my ears

some knowledge to allay my fears

to soothe a restless soul

to set free

a place to be me



I found

you caught in a net

waiting to be met

the same shade and depth

at the possibility, I was floored

and with you I soared

living in the moment

until I landed to see

the need to deliberate

complexities to fathom

therein lies the beauty

and I am glad I soared in the moment

'cos the faith always takes care

of the dreams of those who dare!

In search of my net worth...

"My net-worth is what I have left after I lose all my money"

"What do you want to be ten years from now?"...a question that makes me pretty lost for words...despite being the one who always has something to say.
Let me think - CEO? Technical genius with 10 patents? ok a program manager managing 50 people at the veryleast? .........Gut reaction "yawn"!! I can see myself coming out of an assembly line of one of these characters....why do I feel so disconnected? So what will my net worth be after 10 years?
The satisfaction of a beautiful home and relationships?
The passion of dancing like no one's watching?
The compassion of being a shoulder to cry on, to have made a difference?
The little thrills of gossiping, philosophising and hearty laughters & tears with friends?
The righteousness of having done the right thing...no matter what?
The gnawing hunger to learn new things...from languages, to music, to swimming, to film making, to martial arts, to history, to technology...a list that never ends?
The contentment of a small step to leave the world a better place?
The exhilaration of adventures, travel, reading and writing?
The romancticising and divinification of mountains, oceans and forests?
The imagination and day-dreams of fame and fortune?
The trivial pleasures of reading Harry Potter time and again or having watched Friends for the Nth time?

Well...Whichever way I look at it, the hours spent at my job is only justified for the means it gives me to all of the above. So here goes, For the next Ten years and after, I 'd like to be doing something that gives me the means and the TIME to have done most of the above and added more to the list....and if that means turns out to be one of these, what more can one ask for!

Torino!

When I heard I would be travelling to Torino on work 6 years ago, I thought my boss was pulling my leg!...thanks to my sparse geographical knowledge. The orange colored soft drink that used to be famous in India ages ago 'Torino' kept popping in my head...along with the ad's jingle in the background of course. The internet then revealed this as an industrial city in Italy famous for the company - Fiat!! I went ahead to get my visa stamped for the first time in my passport and days later landed in this charming city of Italy and the month long stay here happens to be the travel experience closest to my heart.....Paris, Rome, the US, Singapore, Malaysia notwithstanding. It was not really a sight-seeing paradise, but set the tone for my travel experiences abroad and I always end up comparing each one of them to this one.....the first of its kind while learning to be on my own, learning the ropes. It was a total high as I experienced it...the friends I made, the culture, the warm people, my work, the places i got to visit around Italy, the chocolates, wining and dining!! Turin may very well be on the Olympics map lately, but I will always remember the spirit of this charming city as I saw it so many years ago....
Cheers Torino!

Pic Courtesy: http://honeymoons.about.com/od/italy/ss/turin_pictures.htm