Sometimes she has these niggling nagging thoughts....fears even....will it go smoothly?...not the general nervousness, but more sure ones, which don't happen always. She is told "its just pessimism creeping into your mind...if you expect it, it will happen...most definitely!". And yeah it does happen exactly how it crept into her mind.
Now it seems to be happening again...the order of events are just like what were expected at first but this time, she was extremely careful to drive out the pessimistic bogart out of her mind, but no...not helping...its just too hard when reality is hitting at her with all its energy...she would only be terribly foolish to believe that what first happened was not the deja vu after all!
Friday, December 08, 2006
The good samaritan in bad traffic
What happens when you go blank..nod off while driving and hit the accelerator instead of the breaks? well...a lot of horrible things, but in Bangalore's mad traffic, you would never have the guy whose jeep you banged into walk over and ask you if you are alright! I think the exact words were "Are you OK? Please tell me you are OK, don't worry about my jeep, your car looks bad though", "Do you want to pull over to the side and get some water to drink?", "will you be able to drive?"...wow! And all I could do was think .....OMG what damage have I done to my car? How much will I have to shell out? How much can I claim as insurance? or can I claim any? What about the jeep's damages? through all this I did manage to tell him, that I'll pull over to the side and see what to do. I have no clue what he was planning to do, but after starting I just drive back home in a daze trying to make out if the strong stench is due to the condenser leakage or something...wondering if my car will go up in flames anytime soon (paranoia straight from the Hollywood flicks). I did not even so much look to see what happened of that fine gentleman and his jeep or where he was.
After so long that it took me to get over the incident, and getting back to driving without the phobia thanks to the encouragement from my family and all the prayers and good omens and the insurance and everything, I think back at the incident and remember in awe, this Samaritan. Someone who I actually didn't thank! Probably will never be able to personally, but not a gesture I will forget that easily in the mad traffic of Bangalore, the amazing amount of selflessness he exhibited to a total stranger who actually probably damaged his property.....talk about Gandhigiri! And that too from someone of a different country....a westerner!
After so long that it took me to get over the incident, and getting back to driving without the phobia thanks to the encouragement from my family and all the prayers and good omens and the insurance and everything, I think back at the incident and remember in awe, this Samaritan. Someone who I actually didn't thank! Probably will never be able to personally, but not a gesture I will forget that easily in the mad traffic of Bangalore, the amazing amount of selflessness he exhibited to a total stranger who actually probably damaged his property.....talk about Gandhigiri! And that too from someone of a different country....a westerner!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The Spotlight!
Its a crazy situation, especially for someone who likes to blend into the background (most of the times atleast). Questions were surely expected..."what did you do to be chosen as the so called 'brand ambassador', out of all the 2000 people?". The same question I ask myself...really "what DID I do?" Was it just a realllly random pick or was there something to the selection criteria, like 'my people' put it, or like the photographers from Chicago - "You must have done SOMEthing!". But of course, no real reasons are forthcoming, and needless to say I would have to live with being the pick of a lucky dip.
One of my friends says, I should take this up some more - and she did mean it well...but I'm thinking...Modelling!? What the...!!! Was definitely the wierdest feeling in front of that camera with instructions being ranted out - look at the crack at the door, speak to me, use your hands, eyes on camera-nose pointed to my wrist-nose on camera-eyes pointed to my wrist, pull down ur shirt to clean up your creases, turn ur head 26degrees, stand on the yellow spot, dont hunch, smile-show ur teeth-uh oh! not so much teeth...........hmph!!!! The only interesting part of the episode was being around international-award-winning (and good looking I might add;)) photographers and talking to them about their craft!
Not to forget having been paranoid due to a new zit that wouldnt go away and the sudden realisation that I dont have 'clothes'!!!! and the paunchy belly and the inability to get an appointment at the beauty salon before the shoot and the complete vanity of it all! So my heart goes out to Ash & co. who put up with this thing day in n out, adorn wall papers and talk about hair color or beautiful skin while trying hard to hush up the botox or whatever else that works hard to paralyse muscles and conceal the story each wrinkle and grey hair has to say. Its really scary what preoccupation with one's image can do to one's image and I just got a taste of that fear!
Having said all that, one does secretly enjoy the results;) Being made a landmark on the map is not something that happens everyday, whatever that map might be for....My ego just got a lovely ayurvedic massage!
But at the end of the day....like I always know...'everything is maya', leave me to my quiet corner with my PC or my book and my dirty jeans and Tee back to my reality and I will respond to your compliment with a humble thanks....
One of my friends says, I should take this up some more - and she did mean it well...but I'm thinking...Modelling!? What the...!!! Was definitely the wierdest feeling in front of that camera with instructions being ranted out - look at the crack at the door, speak to me, use your hands, eyes on camera-nose pointed to my wrist-nose on camera-eyes pointed to my wrist, pull down ur shirt to clean up your creases, turn ur head 26degrees, stand on the yellow spot, dont hunch, smile-show ur teeth-uh oh! not so much teeth...........hmph!!!! The only interesting part of the episode was being around international-award-winning (and good looking I might add;)) photographers and talking to them about their craft!
Not to forget having been paranoid due to a new zit that wouldnt go away and the sudden realisation that I dont have 'clothes'!!!! and the paunchy belly and the inability to get an appointment at the beauty salon before the shoot and the complete vanity of it all! So my heart goes out to Ash & co. who put up with this thing day in n out, adorn wall papers and talk about hair color or beautiful skin while trying hard to hush up the botox or whatever else that works hard to paralyse muscles and conceal the story each wrinkle and grey hair has to say. Its really scary what preoccupation with one's image can do to one's image and I just got a taste of that fear!
Having said all that, one does secretly enjoy the results;) Being made a landmark on the map is not something that happens everyday, whatever that map might be for....My ego just got a lovely ayurvedic massage!
But at the end of the day....like I always know...'everything is maya', leave me to my quiet corner with my PC or my book and my dirty jeans and Tee back to my reality and I will respond to your compliment with a humble thanks....
Monday, October 30, 2006
Everything happens for.....
for a reason?
arent we just making a reason out of everything that everything happens for?
for good?
by whose standards?
good for who?
does it really matter as long as it is for mine?
isnt it all a matter of choice finally?
a choice of how I choose to look at it....
and dont I choose to look at it differently each time?
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the other
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the self!
arent we just making a reason out of everything that everything happens for?
for good?
by whose standards?
good for who?
does it really matter as long as it is for mine?
isnt it all a matter of choice finally?
a choice of how I choose to look at it....
and dont I choose to look at it differently each time?
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the other
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the self!
Thursday, September 07, 2006
REFUSE!!
I refuuuuusssse to get bogged down by the turn of events....
however big! or small!!!
like the dirty plastic that blobs irritatingly over a wave of a polluted beach!!!!!!!
however big! or small!!!
like the dirty plastic that blobs irritatingly over a wave of a polluted beach!!!!!!!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Freedom?
Swami Vivekananda said "Total Freedom is when nothing affects you"
I have almost learnt not to get affected by the ups and downs of life and yeah I do feel free...but must admit that it also makes me feel somewhat detached...so have I crossed the line from not getting affected to not feeling, not experiencing at all?
Most times I just sail thru events of importance as if they were mundane occurrences.....so must I start singing 'I just wanna feel...'
I have almost learnt not to get affected by the ups and downs of life and yeah I do feel free...but must admit that it also makes me feel somewhat detached...so have I crossed the line from not getting affected to not feeling, not experiencing at all?
Most times I just sail thru events of importance as if they were mundane occurrences.....so must I start singing 'I just wanna feel...'
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
memoirs of a reluctant kitchenperson...
Ever Notice how at family get togethers the womenfolk huddle up in the kitchen performing the A to Zs and the menfolk huddle together in front of the TV or discuss politics until say mealtime....? Been witness to this from the childhood days, but never been too affected by it all...only the married woman status brings in a whole new paradigm to the whole affair.
Not that I personally slog it out, most often manage to get away from both the huddles...but yeah the guilt and the conditioning and the spoken/unspoken expectations! what to do with them!?? They do sometimes translate into a little slogging themselves, while hating every minute, especially since talents are really rusty in that department!
20 yrs ago, it didnt seem so wierd simply 'cos the roles were very well defined and the people seemed comfortable with what they had to acheive...claim to fame being how well the womenfolk feed their men....but cut to the current scenario, things simply dont fall into place. The superwoman is here...thrust into the role, whether she likes it or not....most of them being equal breadwinners (the breadwinning part being equally important i.e), have to cook, feed, serve, clean up and then probably contemplate eating the leftovers while starting preparations for the next meal. And not talking about the hum apke hain kaun type families with 15 kaamwaales to clean up, talking about very middle class scenarios with no servants. So when families decide to take breaks from their routine worklife (double holiday, since both of them work now!), they get together and perform these therapuatic miracles to feel refreshed...of course one party does feel refreshed....not to be disputed! Also noticed how the progressive husbands/boys too fall prey to the peer pressure and dont overstep the age old boundaries laid out.
No volunteers from the men's section is accompanied by no asking from the female section as well. It is another matter that claims are made all over, that if the men do try to help the women shoo them away! well, not sure if one section dosent try too hard or the other section is so used to shooing away that they do it without a second thought. All speculations...
At the end of it all...one can only keep counting till 10 or 20 or whatever and steel oneself to put up with it only for a few days....and feel fortunate while thinking of the various people all around who slog it out this way all their lives!
Not that I personally slog it out, most often manage to get away from both the huddles...but yeah the guilt and the conditioning and the spoken/unspoken expectations! what to do with them!?? They do sometimes translate into a little slogging themselves, while hating every minute, especially since talents are really rusty in that department!
20 yrs ago, it didnt seem so wierd simply 'cos the roles were very well defined and the people seemed comfortable with what they had to acheive...claim to fame being how well the womenfolk feed their men....but cut to the current scenario, things simply dont fall into place. The superwoman is here...thrust into the role, whether she likes it or not....most of them being equal breadwinners (the breadwinning part being equally important i.e), have to cook, feed, serve, clean up and then probably contemplate eating the leftovers while starting preparations for the next meal. And not talking about the hum apke hain kaun type families with 15 kaamwaales to clean up, talking about very middle class scenarios with no servants. So when families decide to take breaks from their routine worklife (double holiday, since both of them work now!), they get together and perform these therapuatic miracles to feel refreshed...of course one party does feel refreshed....not to be disputed! Also noticed how the progressive husbands/boys too fall prey to the peer pressure and dont overstep the age old boundaries laid out.
No volunteers from the men's section is accompanied by no asking from the female section as well. It is another matter that claims are made all over, that if the men do try to help the women shoo them away! well, not sure if one section dosent try too hard or the other section is so used to shooing away that they do it without a second thought. All speculations...
At the end of it all...one can only keep counting till 10 or 20 or whatever and steel oneself to put up with it only for a few days....and feel fortunate while thinking of the various people all around who slog it out this way all their lives!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Patheticity
At times one gets so pathetic...
ego hassles, need for reassurance, need for attention, need for visibility......all maturity goes out of the window!
mostly its really silly...and only gets sillier... heck!!! its always for the small inconsequential things
wallowing in the slush and yucky muck of self pity.....whats it about humans and attention!?? and one wants attention from where its going to be unavailable....unreasonable!
and looking back, want to go back...be more respectable...but the moment's gone and the bad taste still lingers on and nothing can be done...
ego hassles, need for reassurance, need for attention, need for visibility......all maturity goes out of the window!
mostly its really silly...and only gets sillier... heck!!! its always for the small inconsequential things
wallowing in the slush and yucky muck of self pity.....whats it about humans and attention!?? and one wants attention from where its going to be unavailable....unreasonable!
and looking back, want to go back...be more respectable...but the moment's gone and the bad taste still lingers on and nothing can be done...
Monday, April 10, 2006
where rainbows follow u around...
Napa valley California...the abode of scenic delights and "bottled poetry" a.k.a wine!!!!
Alternating between sun and rain we got the best of both views...the very reason we saw rainbows everywhere and couldnt stop clicking! We saw not 1 but 3 different rainbows and the entire 180 degrees views!!!!
But civilisation manifesting itself in the form of electric lines and poles is something the camera lens simply cannot ignore...! A picture unfortunately cannot capture or invoke the same gamut of emotions that the lens of the naked eye does, which technology has not come close to simulating yet....but yes, can remind u of how u felt:)
This pic above is the real, un-photoshopped, uncropped, raw version just as it was clicked and just need to multiply its beauty a few times for how it looked!
Some wine tasting of, I think it was called Sanguine something at Oakville (oak, bitter sweet chocolate, fruit,...lost track) left me with the oaky, 'thovarpu' taste in my mouth! Felt like an anpadh ghawar trying to understand the supposed differences between chardonnay, poit noir, and something blah blah (or rather bleuah bleuah..;))...and their characteristic flavours...for all my...' i like wine' talks...must admit that this got too technical and painfully elitist for me 'common woman'! thank goodness, didnt take the vineyards tour on wine processing processes (at the cost of sounding like a wet blanket here!) what's google for..can get a virtual tour, worst case!:)
MMMmmmm...and the dipping oils and the dipping sauce, now lets talk about the taste buds going on a riot! olive oil n balsamic vinegar n herbs etc etc...exclusive stuff! So armed with this, am going on to re-create the Californian Italy back at namma Bengalooru!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Inadequacy...Envy...Greed...
I sometimes think I am above these petty emotions...but they crop up for the most silliest reasons and leave me feeling terribly petty!
Inadequacy.....I just cant get myself to say...'so what if I can't yet drive a car in the US...big deal!' Well, it is such a normal thing to do here, an I hate not being able to do atleast the normal stuff...forget ditching an MS course (which I dont consider normal anyways)!
Have been told it is normal to feel uncertain at first but I realise that u need to relate to the vehicle, need to visualise myself enjoying the drive, which does not seem to be there for 4 wheelers, especially when I catch myself looking longingly at a sexy Harley-Davidson and imagining me on it...YES riding it, not on the pillion!! I know that it'll take me only seconds to start a motorbike for the first time and zoom off....no sweat! Will I ever be able to get my enticer back home or is it just a stupid impractical dream....
Envy...when u hear of people carrying on very happily without u, be it at work or at home or elsewhere, a small pang of envy spreads its icy fangs slowly and lingers on. Strange! since u wanted things to go on smoothly without u in the first place!
Greed...well thats when u want to have it all! Want everything, should have the cake and eat it too and also want an icecream after that, and yeah of course a drink! Just can't stand missing out on the important stuff while I am away....as though time halts for the rest of the world, just so that I dont miss out!
time out..will visit the other deadly sins later...
Inadequacy.....I just cant get myself to say...'so what if I can't yet drive a car in the US...big deal!' Well, it is such a normal thing to do here, an I hate not being able to do atleast the normal stuff...forget ditching an MS course (which I dont consider normal anyways)!
Have been told it is normal to feel uncertain at first but I realise that u need to relate to the vehicle, need to visualise myself enjoying the drive, which does not seem to be there for 4 wheelers, especially when I catch myself looking longingly at a sexy Harley-Davidson and imagining me on it...YES riding it, not on the pillion!! I know that it'll take me only seconds to start a motorbike for the first time and zoom off....no sweat! Will I ever be able to get my enticer back home or is it just a stupid impractical dream....
Envy...when u hear of people carrying on very happily without u, be it at work or at home or elsewhere, a small pang of envy spreads its icy fangs slowly and lingers on. Strange! since u wanted things to go on smoothly without u in the first place!
Greed...well thats when u want to have it all! Want everything, should have the cake and eat it too and also want an icecream after that, and yeah of course a drink! Just can't stand missing out on the important stuff while I am away....as though time halts for the rest of the world, just so that I dont miss out!
time out..will visit the other deadly sins later...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
who is calling...
this strange pull
these undefined feelings
full of contradictions
the song of my land triggers an outburst
like the fizz gushes out from the bottle of champagne
unexpected...unwarranted...
...champagne is great stuff n all, but I still like to fall to the floor!
[ok that was a pathetic analogy...but so apt!]
these undefined feelings
full of contradictions
the song of my land triggers an outburst
like the fizz gushes out from the bottle of champagne
unexpected...unwarranted...
...champagne is great stuff n all, but I still like to fall to the floor!
[ok that was a pathetic analogy...but so apt!]
Yosemite....The reason is finally clear!
There is a reason for everything...I have been out to snowy countries thrice and once to the Himalayan foothills never seen the white magic ever! Italy was a bad miss...it snowed the day after I left!!Then I see snow in all its magnificence at the Yosemite national park - California!! And add to it the waterfalls and the green and the red leaves and the blue skies and the rocks and hills...what do you have? a few picture postcard calenders...except that this time I got greedy and included myself in all the picture postcards...'patel snaps' as they call it;)
So like they said so truly 'everything happens for a reason' and this time the reason that I missed all the snow so narrowly elsewhere was to get the most spectacular view with greater company to boot! And I believe in the most narcissistic way that nature conspired to bring this to me:)))
Anything more I say about this place will dilute its essence!
So like they said so truly 'everything happens for a reason' and this time the reason that I missed all the snow so narrowly elsewhere was to get the most spectacular view with greater company to boot! And I believe in the most narcissistic way that nature conspired to bring this to me:)))
Anything more I say about this place will dilute its essence!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Big Sur and San Fransisco!
Day 1: 25th march '06 The Big Sur drive on the picturesque pacific coast...greeeeeeen hills on one side and the ocean on the other! With extremely, interestingly great and long chats with friends on all ranges of topics. Took pictures while stopping on all the 'vista' points with a brave attempt to set a foot into the brrrrrrr coooold waters of the Pacific...mannn the cold seeped through to the tip of my head, that too when the sun was high up!!!! Some shopping for electronic equipment for survival here and of course food....!!! how could I miss that....yummy karnataka meals at Dasprakash, a tall, latte, blah and blah...coffee:) at Starbucks, masala idli and masala chai at Woodlands served by chetta:) And of course a peek into their 'town house' basically a triplex;) which is yet to be explored. Special mention - the warmth and comfort and ease which you can feel only with old friends who are so easy to talk to:)
Day2: 26the March '06 San Fransisco here we come!! After a heavy breakfast at the hotel buffet with the cousins...a power nap while on the drive reached the Golden Gate...hmmm this is where the angel-whitelighters meet up in 'Charmed'!!:) After the 'been there, done that' snaps moved on to the fun clicking. The vision of the guy who built this is simply amazing - he put in a 6 lane bridge in the early 1900s when SF had only 250 cars!!!!! Deve Gowda and family should take a lesson or 2....Next was the Miur woods - the redwood trees hikes...after a bit of walking with non-walking, impractical footwear and not seeing any redwood trees, the sight of the trees when we actually got there was cathartic to say the least....could just feel the calm seeping in, the cold felt beautiful and the foot ache vanished! Moved to 'Crooked street' after lunch...well kudos to the Americans for making the best of a tiny opportunity to push something like this to a world famous tourist spot! The road slopes down (a few degrees more than the slope-iest Banashankari road) and these guys have just made it go zig zag and lo! you have the 'crooked street of the world'!! Headed next to the twin peaks with a beatiful view of the SF city and chilly winds...then to Fisherman' s Wharf towards dusk. There were sea lions crooning away...a full of activity coastal delight place. Alcatraz was there beckoning...hmmmm well next time maybe:) got amazing shots..the sky was beautiful...shopped a bit and went off to Ghirardelli the chocolate factory...ordered huge the sinful looking icecreams and the calorie count was climbing...soared! Wont ask people for ice cream for a while now :- 'Lets try a late night movie on imax' was the next item on their enthusiastic list! My eyes were closing of their own accord, but I said 'sure I am game!!'...greeeeeed! Found it impractical after a parking drama and headed back to silicon city! All I remember is waking up in front of my hotel.
Day2: 26the March '06 San Fransisco here we come!! After a heavy breakfast at the hotel buffet with the cousins...a power nap while on the drive reached the Golden Gate...hmmm this is where the angel-whitelighters meet up in 'Charmed'!!:) After the 'been there, done that' snaps moved on to the fun clicking. The vision of the guy who built this is simply amazing - he put in a 6 lane bridge in the early 1900s when SF had only 250 cars!!!!! Deve Gowda and family should take a lesson or 2....Next was the Miur woods - the redwood trees hikes...after a bit of walking with non-walking, impractical footwear and not seeing any redwood trees, the sight of the trees when we actually got there was cathartic to say the least....could just feel the calm seeping in, the cold felt beautiful and the foot ache vanished! Moved to 'Crooked street' after lunch...well kudos to the Americans for making the best of a tiny opportunity to push something like this to a world famous tourist spot! The road slopes down (a few degrees more than the slope-iest Banashankari road) and these guys have just made it go zig zag and lo! you have the 'crooked street of the world'!! Headed next to the twin peaks with a beatiful view of the SF city and chilly winds...then to Fisherman' s Wharf towards dusk. There were sea lions crooning away...a full of activity coastal delight place. Alcatraz was there beckoning...hmmmm well next time maybe:) got amazing shots..the sky was beautiful...shopped a bit and went off to Ghirardelli the chocolate factory...ordered huge the sinful looking icecreams and the calorie count was climbing...soared! Wont ask people for ice cream for a while now :- 'Lets try a late night movie on imax' was the next item on their enthusiastic list! My eyes were closing of their own accord, but I said 'sure I am game!!'...greeeeeed! Found it impractical after a parking drama and headed back to silicon city! All I remember is waking up in front of my hotel.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
sense and sensitivities
"You were just a bad example while I was growing up" hit me like a ton of bricks! Couldnt respond...tried to crack a joke about it and completely put it out of my mind....and succeeded. But the words kept coming back...over and over again. I kicked myself...why did I not respond with a 'putting people in place' statement that I am so well known for??!!! perhaps it was the childhood complex surfacing all over again...became totally blank and felt lowly and inferior? maybe...is it that I still have'nt gotten over those childhood comparisons of "your younger cousin is fair (as in complexion)...u r dark", "ur younger cousin is a brilliant student and u r an average", "your younger cousin got a campus placement, with a $%^&* starting sal and you are still attending vague job fairs"...?
I tried to analyse why the statement was made...after all these years of growing up into 'responsible adults'.....was it the time I tried to take her to a movie or introduce her to Jane Austen, to get a life when all she knew was her text books, or the time I spent all time watching cable TV and not 'scoring' instead, or the time when I showed her my movie stars book of pictures I had cut out of magazines when I was 11, or was it everything...wrath incurred just by being myself? Must have been all of those...and am glad she realised it early in life and didnt follow my 'example'...god forbid then, she would have ended up like me!! Now that's blashphemy isnt it??!! outcast...out of the caste, lesser in value in terms of status or moneys, living life on one's own terms....now who wants to be all that! It is easier to confirm and do the 'right' thing! Let's just be politically correct and say 'to each his own'.
well at the end of this monologue...all I can conclude is that I am still a coward and use the internet to be spiteful and I am ungrateful for all the hospitality I receive and I can be a really mean b**** when I want to...on the internet that is! And people like me who pretend to 'not care' still carry around some baggages of long ago years and some things strangely remain raw and sometimes it hurts!
But nothing changes the fact that it takes all kinds of experiences to make you the person you are and I guess I am quite comfortable with the person I turned out to be....bad example or not!
I tried to analyse why the statement was made...after all these years of growing up into 'responsible adults'.....was it the time I tried to take her to a movie or introduce her to Jane Austen, to get a life when all she knew was her text books, or the time I spent all time watching cable TV and not 'scoring' instead, or the time when I showed her my movie stars book of pictures I had cut out of magazines when I was 11, or was it everything...wrath incurred just by being myself? Must have been all of those...and am glad she realised it early in life and didnt follow my 'example'...god forbid then, she would have ended up like me!! Now that's blashphemy isnt it??!! outcast...out of the caste, lesser in value in terms of status or moneys, living life on one's own terms....now who wants to be all that! It is easier to confirm and do the 'right' thing! Let's just be politically correct and say 'to each his own'.
well at the end of this monologue...all I can conclude is that I am still a coward and use the internet to be spiteful and I am ungrateful for all the hospitality I receive and I can be a really mean b**** when I want to...on the internet that is! And people like me who pretend to 'not care' still carry around some baggages of long ago years and some things strangely remain raw and sometimes it hurts!
But nothing changes the fact that it takes all kinds of experiences to make you the person you are and I guess I am quite comfortable with the person I turned out to be....bad example or not!
Friday, March 17, 2006
BLACKLISTED
I had to face a difficult situation sometime ago. A good friend of mine points to this other lady and says, "I don't understand how people like this can be happy", the voice was filled with disgust and loathing, or I don't know if I was imagining it. When I asked what caused that statement, I was told, "she has applied for divorce, she wants to get rid of him". I was shocked, not because this other girl had applied for divorce, but because this good friend of mine was being so...What's the word..Puritanical?Judgmental? I do not know.
A million thoughts and emotions raged through my mind and the first one was anger, again not at the girl who applied for divorce but at my friend, and probably me for listening to all this. It all came flooding back then, the comments about the going-to-be-divorced girl's clothing and the way she carried herself etc etc over the last few months. Then I tried to reason with her, "you never know what prompted her to do it, do you?", "I know quite a few divorcees, their stories are always sad, and really not one person's fault", "people who put up a brave front and look happy maybe the victims", "its sometimes considered better to part ways when the going is decent than to suffer and die a bitter person" and an added million other thoughts all trying to take center stage! Its not that my friend is the vile villain or I am this super sensitive good soul, it just has to do with perspectives and the amount of experiences or exposure one has. She is actually one of the most generous, forgiving people I know.
Well, none of my thoughts and words did get much bhaav and the topic got changed and I was left frustrated, since I wanted desperately to hear an acknowledgement of what I said and I wanted an understanding or atleast a willingness to keep open mind that there generally is more than meets the eye, that dressing in a way that's considered hip and happening does not necessarily mean that someone is 'fast and easy', or takes relationships very lightly or is promiscuous (not that any of this was ever said, but always gets implied...hanging in the air types) and even if that is so, what business does anybody have to question the way someone lives his/her life?, and putting on a brave/happy front need not imply anything! I had gotten myself so angry...I was seething!
I am truly hoping that the little of what I said will trigger off something....sometime. But again who am I to judge this friend, who am I to say she should keep an open mind. Maybe there's something in her experience that has her reacting this way,.......... and maybe I will also get blacklisted in these circles for what I was trying to say, and maybe that's not so bad after all....kinda used to that anyways....a lot of maybes. But I do believe that a debate and discussion and dialog however depressing and frustrating go a long way in change of attitude for a healthier more open atmosphere. On that thought I am not seething anymore:)
A million thoughts and emotions raged through my mind and the first one was anger, again not at the girl who applied for divorce but at my friend, and probably me for listening to all this. It all came flooding back then, the comments about the going-to-be-divorced girl's clothing and the way she carried herself etc etc over the last few months. Then I tried to reason with her, "you never know what prompted her to do it, do you?", "I know quite a few divorcees, their stories are always sad, and really not one person's fault", "people who put up a brave front and look happy maybe the victims", "its sometimes considered better to part ways when the going is decent than to suffer and die a bitter person" and an added million other thoughts all trying to take center stage! Its not that my friend is the vile villain or I am this super sensitive good soul, it just has to do with perspectives and the amount of experiences or exposure one has. She is actually one of the most generous, forgiving people I know.
Well, none of my thoughts and words did get much bhaav and the topic got changed and I was left frustrated, since I wanted desperately to hear an acknowledgement of what I said and I wanted an understanding or atleast a willingness to keep open mind that there generally is more than meets the eye, that dressing in a way that's considered hip and happening does not necessarily mean that someone is 'fast and easy', or takes relationships very lightly or is promiscuous (not that any of this was ever said, but always gets implied...hanging in the air types) and even if that is so, what business does anybody have to question the way someone lives his/her life?, and putting on a brave/happy front need not imply anything! I had gotten myself so angry...I was seething!
I am truly hoping that the little of what I said will trigger off something....sometime. But again who am I to judge this friend, who am I to say she should keep an open mind. Maybe there's something in her experience that has her reacting this way,.......... and maybe I will also get blacklisted in these circles for what I was trying to say, and maybe that's not so bad after all....kinda used to that anyways....a lot of maybes. But I do believe that a debate and discussion and dialog however depressing and frustrating go a long way in change of attitude for a healthier more open atmosphere. On that thought I am not seething anymore:)
Thursday, March 16, 2006
when destiny takes over...
ok! here is a word I very seldom use in my vocabulary...destiny/fate. Truly always believed that we are where we are, etc etc simply because of the choices we make at some point and our own efforts or the lack of it. But sometimes some things just happen! We dont put any effort, we dont draw them towards us (atleast not conciously), we make terrible stupid goofups which should actually make them work otherwise, and we also come to a point where we dont want things to happen and simply avoid anything to do with it. And they happen, and you feel the rug pulled from beneath your feet. You dont know if its for better or for worse.....And like our famous Murphy says, they will happen at the most inopportune moments...when you really really dont want them to or actually dont want them to ever happen! The best part is, you have to pretend that everything's normal and cool and get on with life....ok! I really dont know where I am going with this...just had to put this down.....
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Blank Noise
A project to recognise eve-teasing or rather street sexual harassment as a sexual crime
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/
I am trying to remember all the various times that the noise in my head was refused meaning....was blank. And frankly I have just lost count!
But the very first time was when me and my friend (we were both around 12yrs old!) were walking on the roadside, she closer to the road, and a fellow cycling from the opposite side groped at my friend. It was probably less than a second and he fled. Both of us were stunned..I actually remember shivering! I dont think we were even able to scream or react. My friend recovered first and said "He must have thought that the glittery design on my dress's neckline was a gold chain". Ok! that explains it I thought and totally shut down that voice which was screaming in my head...both of us knew we were fooling ourselves and neither of us admitted to it. We actually related the incident to her folks that somebody tried to chain snatch on a cycle. And exactly a week after that, the same thing happened to me at a different place as I was walking alone. I had no glittery neckline for his defence and this time and believe it or not, was a 12 year old KID wearing a salwar kameez with a dupatta to boot! I remember not sharing this with anyone at home, not sleeping that night, thinking, 'what did I do?' that's it....'WHAT DID I DO?', 'there must have been something I did'. I remember hating myself for it. I remember feeling like a lowly creature, but I dont remember getting angry at the groper, since I was conditioned to believe (at 12!!) that it must have been something I did!
It's been about 15 years since then and nothing has changed much. Here we are at it again. And all that talk about she 'asked for it' by wearing or rather not wearing whatever holds no water when I think of my huge pink salwar kameez with a huger dupatta that I owned when I was 12! Come to think of it...maybe thats why I hate wearing dupattas so much!
an afterthought: Caught up in the 'it must have been me' to this day, I have even tried looking 'married'! tried the sindoor and other objects and symbolisms I simply dont relate to! And nothing has helped! NOTHING! So everyone with all these smart, condescending analyses and theories should basically shove it up!
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/
I am trying to remember all the various times that the noise in my head was refused meaning....was blank. And frankly I have just lost count!
But the very first time was when me and my friend (we were both around 12yrs old!) were walking on the roadside, she closer to the road, and a fellow cycling from the opposite side groped at my friend. It was probably less than a second and he fled. Both of us were stunned..I actually remember shivering! I dont think we were even able to scream or react. My friend recovered first and said "He must have thought that the glittery design on my dress's neckline was a gold chain". Ok! that explains it I thought and totally shut down that voice which was screaming in my head...both of us knew we were fooling ourselves and neither of us admitted to it. We actually related the incident to her folks that somebody tried to chain snatch on a cycle. And exactly a week after that, the same thing happened to me at a different place as I was walking alone. I had no glittery neckline for his defence and this time and believe it or not, was a 12 year old KID wearing a salwar kameez with a dupatta to boot! I remember not sharing this with anyone at home, not sleeping that night, thinking, 'what did I do?' that's it....'WHAT DID I DO?', 'there must have been something I did'. I remember hating myself for it. I remember feeling like a lowly creature, but I dont remember getting angry at the groper, since I was conditioned to believe (at 12!!) that it must have been something I did!
It's been about 15 years since then and nothing has changed much. Here we are at it again. And all that talk about she 'asked for it' by wearing or rather not wearing whatever holds no water when I think of my huge pink salwar kameez with a huger dupatta that I owned when I was 12! Come to think of it...maybe thats why I hate wearing dupattas so much!
an afterthought: Caught up in the 'it must have been me' to this day, I have even tried looking 'married'! tried the sindoor and other objects and symbolisms I simply dont relate to! And nothing has helped! NOTHING! So everyone with all these smart, condescending analyses and theories should basically shove it up!
blacked out!!!!!!
a speedbreaker (like in a hump ..... LOL!)
daaaarkkkk
opaque
misty eyed
foggy
stormy
glueey
breaks failed...brakes also!
didnt hit any breakpoints (whats that which slipped into my so-called poetry!)
blasted into a door
keeerrraaashed into the oncoming stone wall !!!
lying face down
cant move a thing
calling out..no response
[Ok peace!!!! this describes my current situation while I am trying to solve or rather understand why my software is crashing!booohooo am I in the wrong place doing the right things or in the right place doing the wrong things!]
daaaarkkkk
opaque
misty eyed
foggy
stormy
glueey
breaks failed...brakes also!
didnt hit any breakpoints (whats that which slipped into my so-called poetry!)
blasted into a door
keeerrraaashed into the oncoming stone wall !!!
lying face down
cant move a thing
calling out..no response
[Ok peace!!!! this describes my current situation while I am trying to solve or rather understand why my software is crashing!booohooo am I in the wrong place doing the right things or in the right place doing the wrong things!]
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
solitude misunderstood!
Recently read this piece by Mahesh Dattani in the Week - passing thought section. He writes about people's choices to stay/live alone which is generally looked at very sympathetically, gist being, loner always made== lonely.
I remember that as a kid that I was quite content being the loner but would always get looked at very sympathetically (being a single child over and above this just adds to the spice!). Even to this day, I have absolutely no issues sipping coffee or shop or travel all by myself. Not that I dont enjoy company of people or abhor a good chat/gossip, it's just that I quite enjoy 'my' company too. And very frankly, I have never had longings for siblings to make me complete. Turned out quite normal and even a little generous being the single child.
Quite a few of my growing up years were spent in opposing the instituion of marriage et all and the strong opinion got more meat when people would give me really skewed ideas to get married and procreate! Would be either 'what about companionship when you are old and grey?' or 'what about support systems when you are old, in the form of your children who will look after you when you cannot?'. And since these things were supposedly sound reasons, I would retort 'Why the hell should I punish myself today to be looked after when I am old? I'll find another way!' ...the feminist that I was!
My arrogance didnt go down very well but quite a few these folks' 'budhape ke sahare's are NRIs and some some dont even have their old and grey life partners! And they do manage to chug along inspite of not wanting to be alone, swallowing expectations from their kith and kin. But yes I do agree, really sorry state, especially if you dont understand the term 'loner'! and if you are conditioned in your expectations from fellow humans. Most of them cannot even relate to the idea of an old age home and equally ruined gets their NRI children's pride.... Not that I have any problems with making your fortunes and a better life in another country...perfectly fine to be an NRI, absolutely no judgement on that one. I just analyse the various pride and expectations equations here. I could go on, but thats another topic all by itself!
If I am married today despite my earlier revolts, it is definitely not to have a companion at 60 but to have one today! And I still very much am a loner who still likes to go shopping alone (to the obvious relief of husband:)), think my own thoughts and find ways to avoid obligatory social events (Of course the seriousness of the situation of avoiding social events can be very high when you are a 'marital status' person! and I like a good challenge as always;)) or travelling alone. And no, dont want to have kids as an old age investment or because there's nothing better to do or because babies are good fun or it's the law of nature or the biological clock is ticking....! Only if and when there is a real, true need (not sure what that is yet) and sure enough, I will still remain the 'loner'!
I remember that as a kid that I was quite content being the loner but would always get looked at very sympathetically (being a single child over and above this just adds to the spice!). Even to this day, I have absolutely no issues sipping coffee or shop or travel all by myself. Not that I dont enjoy company of people or abhor a good chat/gossip, it's just that I quite enjoy 'my' company too. And very frankly, I have never had longings for siblings to make me complete. Turned out quite normal and even a little generous being the single child.
Quite a few of my growing up years were spent in opposing the instituion of marriage et all and the strong opinion got more meat when people would give me really skewed ideas to get married and procreate! Would be either 'what about companionship when you are old and grey?' or 'what about support systems when you are old, in the form of your children who will look after you when you cannot?'. And since these things were supposedly sound reasons, I would retort 'Why the hell should I punish myself today to be looked after when I am old? I'll find another way!' ...the feminist that I was!
My arrogance didnt go down very well but quite a few these folks' 'budhape ke sahare's are NRIs and some some dont even have their old and grey life partners! And they do manage to chug along inspite of not wanting to be alone, swallowing expectations from their kith and kin. But yes I do agree, really sorry state, especially if you dont understand the term 'loner'! and if you are conditioned in your expectations from fellow humans. Most of them cannot even relate to the idea of an old age home and equally ruined gets their NRI children's pride.... Not that I have any problems with making your fortunes and a better life in another country...perfectly fine to be an NRI, absolutely no judgement on that one. I just analyse the various pride and expectations equations here. I could go on, but thats another topic all by itself!
If I am married today despite my earlier revolts, it is definitely not to have a companion at 60 but to have one today! And I still very much am a loner who still likes to go shopping alone (to the obvious relief of husband:)), think my own thoughts and find ways to avoid obligatory social events (Of course the seriousness of the situation of avoiding social events can be very high when you are a 'marital status' person! and I like a good challenge as always;)) or travelling alone. And no, dont want to have kids as an old age investment or because there's nothing better to do or because babies are good fun or it's the law of nature or the biological clock is ticking....! Only if and when there is a real, true need (not sure what that is yet) and sure enough, I will still remain the 'loner'!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
fear factor!
of being mediocre
of being left out
of rejection
of losing control
of hurting feelings
of being hurt
of leaving comfort zones
of getting stuck in comfort zones
of not being able to undo
of 'I told U so' s
of time flying
of the unknown!
of being left out
of rejection
of losing control
of hurting feelings
of being hurt
of leaving comfort zones
of getting stuck in comfort zones
of not being able to undo
of 'I told U so' s
of time flying
of the unknown!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
knocking on ur door
is the opportunity to 'do'
the other is the opportunity for the 'do' to be 'seen'
even talent seems to be mutually exclusive
some can 'do' very well but cannot 'show'
some 'shooooooooooow' without being able to 'do' ;)
the other is the opportunity for the 'do' to be 'seen'
even talent seems to be mutually exclusive
some can 'do' very well but cannot 'show'
some 'shooooooooooow' without being able to 'do' ;)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
grrrrrr.....
just when u think u have it all figured out and start settling in...
there! at the end of the corridor appears something that disturbs the equilibrium...starts as a ripple and turns into a tsunami
ignore it, in return get a rude slap
u fight it and the battle seems impossible
get pulled into the quicksand, limbs flailing...refusing..fighting
then calm down and think of a new strategy
there always is another perspective
and then its all about choices
pick one...the others come back to haunt...
life's like that....
there! at the end of the corridor appears something that disturbs the equilibrium...starts as a ripple and turns into a tsunami
ignore it, in return get a rude slap
u fight it and the battle seems impossible
get pulled into the quicksand, limbs flailing...refusing..fighting
then calm down and think of a new strategy
there always is another perspective
and then its all about choices
pick one...the others come back to haunt...
life's like that....
Monday, February 20, 2006
of puttu and pongal in the land of potholes
of white mundus and koshampodavais
of realistic (depressing!) intelligent stories and mindless superstar worship
of meen curry and vathal kozhambu
of kathakali masks and kuthuvilakkus
of simplified rules and elaborate systems
of the creative and the mathematical
of a love story chugging along in the land of potholes
of realistic (depressing!) intelligent stories and mindless superstar worship
of meen curry and vathal kozhambu
of kathakali masks and kuthuvilakkus
of simplified rules and elaborate systems
of the creative and the mathematical
of a love story chugging along in the land of potholes
Sunday, February 19, 2006
when u cant pin it down....
when u go thinking in circles
when u know not what ails u
what role do u play
where does it begin and end
or does it
what are the rules of the game
what is the game
who plays by whose rules
who made the rules
who decides u play or not
who really wants to play with u
why do u want to play
when do u decide to let go
how do u decide to let go
let go of what
why solve
why solutions
why does it all have to add up
or multiply
to what end
to what goal
to what purpose
why end
why goal
why purpose
when u know not what ails u
what role do u play
where does it begin and end
or does it
what are the rules of the game
what is the game
who plays by whose rules
who made the rules
who decides u play or not
who really wants to play with u
why do u want to play
when do u decide to let go
how do u decide to let go
let go of what
why solve
why solutions
why does it all have to add up
or multiply
to what end
to what goal
to what purpose
why end
why goal
why purpose
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