Blank Noise

A project to recognise eve-teasing or rather street sexual harassment as a sexual crime
http://www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/

I am trying to remember all the various times that the noise in my head was refused meaning....was blank. And frankly I have just lost count!

But the very first time was when me and my friend (we were both around 12yrs old!) were walking on the roadside, she closer to the road, and a fellow cycling from the opposite side groped at my friend. It was probably less than a second and he fled. Both of us were stunned..I actually remember shivering! I dont think we were even able to scream or react. My friend recovered first and said "He must have thought that the glittery design on my dress's neckline was a gold chain". Ok! that explains it I thought and totally shut down that voice which was screaming in my head...both of us knew we were fooling ourselves and neither of us admitted to it. We actually related the incident to her folks that somebody tried to chain snatch on a cycle. And exactly a week after that, the same thing happened to me at a different place as I was walking alone. I had no glittery neckline for his defence and this time and believe it or not, was a 12 year old KID wearing a salwar kameez with a dupatta to boot! I remember not sharing this with anyone at home, not sleeping that night, thinking, 'what did I do?' that's it....'WHAT DID I DO?', 'there must have been something I did'. I remember hating myself for it. I remember feeling like a lowly creature, but I dont remember getting angry at the groper, since I was conditioned to believe (at 12!!) that it must have been something I did!
It's been about 15 years since then and nothing has changed much. Here we are at it again. And all that talk about she 'asked for it' by wearing or rather not wearing whatever holds no water when I think of my huge pink salwar kameez with a huger dupatta that I owned when I was 12! Come to think of it...maybe thats why I hate wearing dupattas so much!

an afterthought: Caught up in the 'it must have been me' to this day, I have even tried looking 'married'! tried the sindoor and other objects and symbolisms I simply dont relate to! And nothing has helped! NOTHING! So everyone with all these smart, condescending analyses and theories should basically shove it up!