Naach!

Dance, with the ecstasy taking over
Move with the flow
Koi sharth nahi hai jo
Jus' madness...no boundaries...no rules...no reason
In the rains...storm even!
Bheegja Bheegja
Soak your soul in the music
On this beat...moment of life
No other...
Naach!!!

To Paris with Love...

I read this on lonely planet about Paris - http://www.lonelyplanet.com/france/paris/travel-tips-and-articles/42/35737. They talk about why Paris is really a place for romantic love and why the cliche holds. Back in 2004 when I visited Paris on official work, I remember feeling that cliche...thick in the air. It was summer and probably the best season to be outdoors, sip wine and canoodle in public spaces and metros, like they show in the movies...I tried to be scandalised, shocked, cynical or puritanical about it. But no! that attitude just crumbles and you begin to feel warm and nice and romantic even if you are the ultimate cynic! The city just does that to you.

I was working long hours with no time to brood about being alone, but that feeling of longing would creep in unexpectedly! My colleagues at the Vodafone lab where I worked would give me all the interesting info required by a tourist and I would take off after work almost everyday, to explore the city. Starting at dinner time, I would visit some place each day and get back just after midnight on the last metro! The sun would set only at 10pm and I felt completely safe. Although I stayed there for over a month, there were no free-from-work-weekends to take off to see the rest of France or Europe. I did manage do one weekend at Versailles on a cycling tour with a gang of Americans. That was fun! So were all the other 'Paris by night' and a couple of similar cycling trips I took with the same group. The ferry rides over river Seine were simply beautiful, where one could see people breaking into waltzes on the banks of the river or on the ferry itself....all those scenes from romantic Hollywood flicks which you never thought happened in real life! Managed to see the touristy and some less known places. Even managed to visit a jazz club where the music was live and the wine divine!

Left Paris when there was so much more left to do...check out Louvre a few more times, visit a cabaret, stand by the Seine in old Paris near Notre Dame, and so much more that I forget after all these years. But well...when I remember Paris...the first thing I seem to do is...SIGH...!!

Time never waits...

I am asked..."so u quit a cushy, really well paying, big sounding job and started on your own....any regrets?" Sets me thinking...."Yes just one....I should have quit much earlier and started on my own". Sounds like a haughty response, but hey! that's really true.
The older you get, the bigger the pay packet/office cabins/people-to-push-around gets and the larger the commitments and responsibilities and risks. Time only makes it harder to take any big step...not easier at all!
True for so many things in life. Single friends of mine in their 30s, especially women, tell me that there is no chance they are going to find someone to get married to. Their expectations are getting bigger and and choices smaller:-) One also gets so comfy and happy in one's comfort zone...its harder to change it even if it is for the better. But well...my single friends might be in a better zone already rather than being married...and this might be an exception here :-D

Change is not generally easy and passing of time only makes it so much harder. But once you push yourself to change, you look back and think, what was the fuss all about? One life to make the best of after all! And a smaller number of years if you leave out the times we were forced to be attending school and college and later hospitals to treat those knees or kidneys or whatever. To experience all there is to do...to give the best out....to indulge in small pleasures or larger ones....as they say "live life to the fullest".

If time waited for me to pause at an uncertain moment in life wouldnt it be great!? Let me sort out that pesky little thing and continue with the tick tock...but no....the tick tock goes on and gets louder especially when you are faced with the realities of biology of a human body and mind....and the vulnerabilities associated with it....

Will it ever end?

The quest for that 'something' in life...
Layers open up and reveal what they really were as I peel the old ones off
They force a bigger commitment out of me
So that I cant take off to the far away mountains whenever I want to
But is that the quest? - The faraway mountains...?
or will I reach there and feel the need to peel them off too?

Disruptions make me change
Change the way I think about things...things I would have never considered on my high horse long ago
Everything has a new meaning
I never stopped growing...learning
But how much disruption can I take?
Why do I seek out the disruptions myself?...aren't there enough coming my way already!
Will they disrupt me enough to become two different people?
All of us do wear masks...one for the outer world and another maskless face to oneself
but of late my masks seem unaware of the other
pulling in two different directions
tearing me apart!

What is it that I want to find?
Human happiness or something more divine?
Is there something more divine?
The human rules we live by govern what we need...and if I dont get what I need....
do I beg...borrow...steal.....grab....fret.....or....accept?
Will it end...the quest....will it end whatever I do?

Life suspended

What do you do when you begin to feel everything in life is on suspension mode?

At the library with all the Ludlums, Wodehouses beckoning, imagining myself curled up with books strewn all over the place, dark circles of pleasure around the eyes, I quickly shut it out and say...."later when I have that time to myself"

At home when dust has settled a few layers and the room is messed up with bags to be sorted out, imagining myself tidying up sweaty and dirty and loving the clean sites, I postpone it again...."No not now...cant afford to now...surely is a short while when I have the absolute freedom"

The plants drying up in the sun, pots in dire need of replacing, repotting, weeds giving me a mock salute...I say "Wait you devils, just a little bit, until I take the timeout...I'll tackle you guys!"

Mom's old recipes crying out loud for attention and asking to be passed to the next generation..."One day soon I'll get to you and take a crash course and learn it all"

The economic times and the investment plans being thrown to the newspaper raddi guy reminding me that this is what I'll end up later in life.."No No...I'll learn all there is to master in managing my finances like Zig Zagler or whoever tells us and have a an enviable portfolio ...just wait..no time now, but just wait"

The zillion movies my mate picked up with all the enthu to watch with me..."Not today, I have to do something useful" !! eh!?? what useful thing did I do finally?.....I forget

The learning that I shelled out a huge sum of money for.....now its "Until I find time to devote more time to this, I can only prepare for the exams and clear them"!!

The keyboard...a sorry sight, which was bought after years of craving for one; taken for granted in the corner now "Until I have more peace I cant play...but that day is just around the corner"

Disovery and Nat Geo and backpackeurope.com popping out everywhere as messages...."I'll take that break and just set out..just waiting for that right moment"

The bad roads and the traffic and the general disillusionment telling you that its time YOU did something...."yes of course! Just a matter of lack of time right now...in good time..."

The dancing sacrificed, the singing badly aloud in the bathroom replaced by planning the tasks, the heart to hearts with good friends ending up as staid SMSes or mindless scraps and pokes....

The whirlpool sucks you into its security and recession and slowdown and money and questions and free advice from 'well meaning' well wishers who have already been sucked right into it, you go on postponing and suspending it...LIFE that is......for how long? until the next layoff or serious illness or ........?

Grandmother's Ghost

My cousin's wife, Komal a mother of two, could be best described as puny. And she had a voice to suit her frame. In her household in the small town, she was hardly ever seen or heard. Her dominating in-laws, her almost-on-the-path-to-alcoholism hubby probably made sure of this. To me she seemed to be the epitome of patience and sacrifice, your typical bharatiya nari...suffering in silence.
At one of our family function, most of the family including Komal were gathered, and the preparations had started since dawn. This was a serious event, requiring utmost care in preparing all the specific dishes and the rituals. I was the city bred kid visiting for the event and kept at arm's length, lest I dismantle the setup. Komal was her subservient self, going about her duties, not saying much. The men were served and the women sat down to have lunch. All seemed well, until Komal started to scream and rant out of the blue like a woman possessed, and it surely did not sound like her. She addressed her father-in-law in singular, admonished his brother (my father) for not turning up at the family gathering and called out to their sisters, all the time referring to them as her children. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets while she was shivering and muttering incoherences. My inital reaction was that of disbelief at this surreal occurrence. Looking around I saw that the family responded to her like she was possessed with grandmother's spirit. The same grandmother who passed away in a tragic death 40 years ago! The same grandmother who was described to be a soft spoken, kind hearted woman by my father. The same grandmother who had apparently suffered at the hands of her in-laws and developed hysteria. The same one who passed away under mysterious circumstances during her pregnancy.
Komal went on to demand that all her children fall at her feet and seek her blessings. She ordered my step-grandmother around and gave her a huge list of expectations. She gobbled up food like there was no tomorrow. She asked for specific items in the menu and the ladies were promptly scurrying about. But she did not seem to forget to tell her in-laws that they would be filled with prosperity and and lead a very fulfilling life! No none of that to her other children, but to the eldest. Very interesting indeed!
I felt suspended in time! Thoughts ranging from suspended belief to fear to amusement to cynicism clouded my head. What was going on? Was this a rehearsed charade? She then started speaking details of grandmother as my father's generation knew it. It was simply amazing! The cynicism started to crumble and left me confused. I could not see the logic or science to it. I was almost forced to believe what the others had simply accepted. I looked at them. Most of them were actually post graduates. I wondered if I really cannot keep an open mind. They asked me to fall at 'Grandmother's' feet and seek her blessings. She was looking into my eyes, daring me to do otherwise. I said to myself "The mere act of doing the act is not going to make me a changed person or any lesser". I complied rather mechanically. When I completed the task I was shocked to see that my hands were shaking. I let it be and refrained from analyzing anymore.
Komal fainted after close to an hour of the changed behavior. My folks just let her lie there and moved off to talk in hushed tones. After a few minutes, routine took over and people went about their business. I found myself coming back to peep into the room she was in wondering about it all.
Komal was awake after about an hour and had managed to silently join the living room folks. She didn't seem to notice anything different. They spoke to her like nothing had happened. I gathered the courage to go upto her secretly and ask her if she was ok and if she remembered anything of the last couple of hours. My folks had warned us against bringing up anything with her. Her expression said everything. All she knew was that she was very tired and had been asleep for the last couple of hours. She did mention that her throat was really sore, head really ached and that she had eaten too much. She had clear and contrasting dark circles under her weary eyes.
It was then that all those stories I had read about multiple sclerosis/schizophrenia/splitting of one's personality or whatever they called it, came flooding to my mind. At my silence, she decided that I was done asking after her and headed towards her chores. I drew on the parallels between what she is going through and what my grandmother did at the hands of her in-laws. I mentioned my thoughts to a couple of elders who I thought might understand. That Komal might be in need of treatment or else she might have to face severe deterioration of her mental health. I did not seem to get through them but they assured me that they would look into it. I was told that I should refrain from mentioning this to the others, for who am I to question faith of the masses.
That was 10 years ago. I have not had an opportunity to visit the folks at my father's hometown again and have never heard about or from Komal after that. Her in-laws mention her very rarely and my memory of her remains as of that day. She has not turned up at any social gathering since then. All I pray for is that she does not live a ghost of a life that grandmother supposedly lived.

Holding on to the sanity

When thoughts defy logic, common sense
Rules and lines seem blurred
Voices echo from far away places....slurred
Not a junkie
Not a drunkie
Not in throes of passion or spirituality
Just another regular day
As hours..minutes...seconds make way
Counting the units of life
Asking whys whats whens hows wheres
the line that divides
sanity and insanity
illusions and reality

Of dreams to make come true....

I imagined

a deep shade of yellow

a dark shade of green

with a new lesson in life

stories fresh and clean

some music to my ears

some knowledge to allay my fears

to soothe a restless soul

to set free

a place to be me



I found

you caught in a net

waiting to be met

the same shade and depth

at the possibility, I was floored

and with you I soared

living in the moment

until I landed to see

the need to deliberate

complexities to fathom

therein lies the beauty

and I am glad I soared in the moment

'cos the faith always takes care

of the dreams of those who dare!

In search of my net worth...

"My net-worth is what I have left after I lose all my money"

"What do you want to be ten years from now?"...a question that makes me pretty lost for words...despite being the one who always has something to say.
Let me think - CEO? Technical genius with 10 patents? ok a program manager managing 50 people at the veryleast? .........Gut reaction "yawn"!! I can see myself coming out of an assembly line of one of these characters....why do I feel so disconnected? So what will my net worth be after 10 years?
The satisfaction of a beautiful home and relationships?
The passion of dancing like no one's watching?
The compassion of being a shoulder to cry on, to have made a difference?
The little thrills of gossiping, philosophising and hearty laughters & tears with friends?
The righteousness of having done the right thing...no matter what?
The gnawing hunger to learn new things...from languages, to music, to swimming, to film making, to martial arts, to history, to technology...a list that never ends?
The contentment of a small step to leave the world a better place?
The exhilaration of adventures, travel, reading and writing?
The romancticising and divinification of mountains, oceans and forests?
The imagination and day-dreams of fame and fortune?
The trivial pleasures of reading Harry Potter time and again or having watched Friends for the Nth time?

Well...Whichever way I look at it, the hours spent at my job is only justified for the means it gives me to all of the above. So here goes, For the next Ten years and after, I 'd like to be doing something that gives me the means and the TIME to have done most of the above and added more to the list....and if that means turns out to be one of these, what more can one ask for!

Torino!

When I heard I would be travelling to Torino on work 6 years ago, I thought my boss was pulling my leg!...thanks to my sparse geographical knowledge. The orange colored soft drink that used to be famous in India ages ago 'Torino' kept popping in my head...along with the ad's jingle in the background of course. The internet then revealed this as an industrial city in Italy famous for the company - Fiat!! I went ahead to get my visa stamped for the first time in my passport and days later landed in this charming city of Italy and the month long stay here happens to be the travel experience closest to my heart.....Paris, Rome, the US, Singapore, Malaysia notwithstanding. It was not really a sight-seeing paradise, but set the tone for my travel experiences abroad and I always end up comparing each one of them to this one.....the first of its kind while learning to be on my own, learning the ropes. It was a total high as I experienced it...the friends I made, the culture, the warm people, my work, the places i got to visit around Italy, the chocolates, wining and dining!! Turin may very well be on the Olympics map lately, but I will always remember the spirit of this charming city as I saw it so many years ago....
Cheers Torino!

Pic Courtesy: http://honeymoons.about.com/od/italy/ss/turin_pictures.htm

Perfect!

What is it about perfection that makes one cringe?
Perfect relationships are surely in denial mode, with muted volume, politely formal, distantly polite, stuffy, don't touch any sensitive spots, coat everything well and keep it sugary and bottle up the rest! It is one thing to be nice and another to be purrfectly nice. Aspirants of this are better off staying away from other human kind....not only are they setting the wrong standards and showing the "in-your-face" healthy ones in bad light...they are extremely harmful to themselves. When the bubble bursts and all the bottled-up hell breaks lose, they wonder what they did wrong....incapable of believing that since they are so bloody sweet and all, and cannot hurt or tick off anyone. "Why is the world so mean to me? I only strive to please all and sundry around me and keep "ME" in everyone's gooood books!! How can "I" be considered wrong?" Puhleease get off your high horse and be yourself and do not blame me for keeping my face the way it is....that is how it will be thanks to your insensitivity (yeah...hard to believe??) and I cannot screw it up into a smile to make things nice and perfect so you can get back into your pretentious hunky dory world. Learn to face facts and deal with problems...not sweep it out of sight.

Let us all strive to be perfect and nice and sweet...but let us not get carried away with it!!!

Deathly and hallows?

What's deathly about hallows? Deathly veneration? deathly saints? JK does not explain the meaning afraid that it'll give away a clue to the story....but as the countdown goes on cant think of much else these days....it's damn frustrating to be a muggle and be content with reading it with the rest of the world!

Awaiting eagerly...here's a toast to bringing magic into millions of lives!

Cricket and some feminism!

Well...this is a post that I have really been avoiding. Another kb of space dedicated to this??? But now I am forced to pen this small bit down...
India's debacle in world cup 2007 has invited the wrath, criticism, angst, sympathy even from all quarters...and then there are some of us who prefer to remain indifferent...utmost get irritated by the constant attention this debacle has been getting. Come to think of it, I don't think the analysis and publicity would have made it to so much of first page/headline news(usurping Vishwanathan Anand's moment of world #1 glory) had they actually brought home the cup!!!

So there I was this Sunday reading the times of India's glossy sheets trying to avoid anything that my brain would google upon as crick..but unknowingly ended up reading this hilarious piece by Suhel Seth (the happy bachelor as he calls himself)...where he is really livid with the 11 jokers for spoiling the month long lazy existence of the Indian Man! How the Man will have to now put up with the nagging from his wife or MIL and how he cannot rot in front of the TV eating/drinking and living in his own world and how he is going to be missing the much awaited male bonding...etc etc. Mr. Seth the male equivalent of the feminist made me see the lighter side of it all and I have never read a funny feminist before who could drive home her point while providing so much entertainment! I now keep an open mind while reading cricket news for I might chance upon a Suhel Seth like piece....

On the other hand (this has nothing to do with cricket, just something the feminist in me wants to express;))...in the same main sheet of the paper Mr. Shashi Tharoor writes an apology article for last week's debacle piece which criticised the Indian woman's neglect of the sari!! Apparently the author has received a whole lot of brickbats (which he calls "feedback") and writes a full article of the same damned length which is actually a stupid apology! c'mon buddy, he knew it was coming...especially since he went pointing fingers in his all western business suit...and mind you I did read that bit about how someone ridiculed him for wearing a kurta pyjama to an international meeting and so was forced to "follow" the dress code....for someone so worried about the sari culture going to the dogs, stand up and fight for your country's kurta/khadi culture!! My dad has been to many international conferences and dosent give a damn about any criticism flaunting his bandhgalas and khadi kurtas while shunning the "soot"...not that he's bothered about Indian clothes and all that...he is just not into dressing up for someone else and I have seen his international colleagues respect him for that! So that's where I stand...I am not into dressing up for someone else...Indian culture or not! I wear what I want to wear and sometimes it turns out to be a sari...no sweat! whaoh!! see? I said feminists cant be funny once they get going!!:D
Just wanted to conclude on a lighter note that today I read 2 very funny articles...one a truly admirable one from a masculinist!!?? and the other a silly and funny apology from a sexist!!!

Blog of the day?

Just saw the email from the guys at the 'blog of the day' thingy for Feb 05, 2007. Next went to my traffic update...and whoah! I had visitors from all the networks of the world....(psst - mostly for 0 seconds long visits;)) but whatever....Hey!!...maybe I should go ahead and add Google's adsense and make some moolah (read big bucks) for the next few days ;) On a more serious note this sure does feels encouraging to write more. If I had any hangups on my casual writing style...all's well now and life's good on the internet!!:)))

The fine line...

There is always talk of the fine line between 2 conflicting ideas....here is one more of my recent personal experiences:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for 1 day
Teach him fishing and you feed him for a lifetime...
Goes something like that.

I always believed that the 2nd line is true...always...without a doubt, even when I was the one seeking the 'fish'. But of late I have been witness to expectations that have nothing to do with teaching or learning, like all your rantings about teaching falls on deaf ears....it breaks one's heart to tell someone..."go work hard and learn life's lessons...don't expect me to give it to you on a platter", the situation 'appears' to be sad, tragic even and yet there is no effort visible to make life better by working on it, all the effort is concentrated on creating the sympathy. Almost reminds me of the traffic signal begging scenarios...like life's mission...like the right to beg is mine, the duty to give is yours...like a profession, so used to the art, have been doing this for so many years that there doesn't seem to be any self-respect, no ego left...."as long as I get it out of your sympathy I will keep at it, why do I even have to try anything else. You have always been giving, how dare you not give now?". But again, despite it all, how can one be hard hearted to turn away someone in need...do it this last time? will it ever be the last time?

anda arabi kadalorum...

Deja vu or pessimism?

Sometimes she has these niggling nagging thoughts....fears even....will it go smoothly?...not the general nervousness, but more sure ones, which don't happen always. She is told "its just pessimism creeping into your mind...if you expect it, it will happen...most definitely!". And yeah it does happen exactly how it crept into her mind.
Now it seems to be happening again...the order of events are just like what were expected at first but this time, she was extremely careful to drive out the pessimistic bogart out of her mind, but no...not helping...its just too hard when reality is hitting at her with all its energy...she would only be terribly foolish to believe that what first happened was not the deja vu after all!

The good samaritan in bad traffic

What happens when you go blank..nod off while driving and hit the accelerator instead of the breaks? well...a lot of horrible things, but in Bangalore's mad traffic, you would never have the guy whose jeep you banged into walk over and ask you if you are alright! I think the exact words were "Are you OK? Please tell me you are OK, don't worry about my jeep, your car looks bad though", "Do you want to pull over to the side and get some water to drink?", "will you be able to drive?"...wow! And all I could do was think .....OMG what damage have I done to my car? How much will I have to shell out? How much can I claim as insurance? or can I claim any? What about the jeep's damages? through all this I did manage to tell him, that I'll pull over to the side and see what to do. I have no clue what he was planning to do, but after starting I just drive back home in a daze trying to make out if the strong stench is due to the condenser leakage or something...wondering if my car will go up in flames anytime soon (paranoia straight from the Hollywood flicks). I did not even so much look to see what happened of that fine gentleman and his jeep or where he was.

After so long that it took me to get over the incident, and getting back to driving without the phobia thanks to the encouragement from my family and all the prayers and good omens and the insurance and everything, I think back at the incident and remember in awe, this Samaritan. Someone who I actually didn't thank! Probably will never be able to personally, but not a gesture I will forget that easily in the mad traffic of Bangalore, the amazing amount of selflessness he exhibited to a total stranger who actually probably damaged his property.....talk about Gandhigiri! And that too from someone of a different country....a westerner!

The Spotlight!

Its a crazy situation, especially for someone who likes to blend into the background (most of the times atleast). Questions were surely expected..."what did you do to be chosen as the so called 'brand ambassador', out of all the 2000 people?". The same question I ask myself...really "what DID I do?" Was it just a realllly random pick or was there something to the selection criteria, like 'my people' put it, or like the photographers from Chicago - "You must have done SOMEthing!". But of course, no real reasons are forthcoming, and needless to say I would have to live with being the pick of a lucky dip.

One of my friends says, I should take this up some more - and she did mean it well...but I'm thinking...Modelling!? What the...!!! Was definitely the wierdest feeling in front of that camera with instructions being ranted out - look at the crack at the door, speak to me, use your hands, eyes on camera-nose pointed to my wrist-nose on camera-eyes pointed to my wrist, pull down ur shirt to clean up your creases, turn ur head 26degrees, stand on the yellow spot, dont hunch, smile-show ur teeth-uh oh! not so much teeth...........hmph!!!! The only interesting part of the episode was being around international-award-winning (and good looking I might add;)) photographers and talking to them about their craft!
Not to forget having been paranoid due to a new zit that wouldnt go away and the sudden realisation that I dont have 'clothes'!!!! and the paunchy belly and the inability to get an appointment at the beauty salon before the shoot and the complete vanity of it all! So my heart goes out to Ash & co. who put up with this thing day in n out, adorn wall papers and talk about hair color or beautiful skin while trying hard to hush up the botox or whatever else that works hard to paralyse muscles and conceal the story each wrinkle and grey hair has to say. Its really scary what preoccupation with one's image can do to one's image and I just got a taste of that fear!

Having said all that, one does secretly enjoy the results;) Being made a landmark on the map is not something that happens everyday, whatever that map might be for....My ego just got a lovely ayurvedic massage!

But at the end of the day....like I always know...'everything is maya', leave me to my quiet corner with my PC or my book and my dirty jeans and Tee back to my reality and I will respond to your compliment with a humble thanks....

Everything happens for.....

for a reason?
arent we just making a reason out of everything that everything happens for?

for good?
by whose standards?
good for who?
does it really matter as long as it is for mine?


isnt it all a matter of choice finally?
a choice of how I choose to look at it....
and dont I choose to look at it differently each time?
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the other
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the self!