At the cost of sounding old..

I savour the days when the hotspots of Bengaluru (what we knew as Bangalore) were - All Saints/Fatima stores (to buy imported bread stuff and chocos and dates), Indiana or La Casa (to hangout with buddies cos they were the most happening cool places), Pavitra hotel at Jayanagar (To go for sumptuous meals with family which offered 'North Indian' khana), the few fruit chaats and other street chaats on the streets or the special treats in sukh sagar (cos our immunity was really high and the taste was perfect), the 2 or 3 small jewelry stores mom would drag me to (cos they knew her tastes so well and designed jewelry which took a long time to get made and she'd wait patiently, after all it took a long time to even plan it), the rare KSIC or one other place where sarees shopping would be a well thought out affair, the English teleserials and different language movies on Doordarshan late nights, and so on the list goes.....

Loved the waiting, the longing, the novelty, the savouring, feeling special and remember it all with a tad bit nostalgia... especially in the post liberalisation era, where there we are so spoilt for choice and and there's so much to do on even 2-day weekends, when even I (forget the newer generation) dont think things get done fast enough.

I miss them days and I miss myself from that age when I feel the stress of daily life....

Thanks Katie Perry!

Listening to You makes my day!

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Chah Nahin

Chah Nahin Mai Sur-Bala Ke Gehnon Mein Guntha Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Premi Mala Mein Bindh, Pyari Ko Lalkaoon...

Chah Nahin Samraton Ke Shav Par, Hey Hari Dala Jaaon...

Chah Nahin Devon Ke Sar Par Chadoon, aur Bhagya Par Itraoon...

Mujhey Tod Lena Banmali, Us Path Par Tum Dena Phenk...

Matra Bhoomi Par Sheesh Chadhaney, Jis Path pa rJaayen Veer Anek!

- Harivanshrai Bachhan

An attempt at an english translation:

Not on a damsel's beauty to adorn
Not in a lover's garland to beckon
Not on the king's body to mourn
Not on images of Gods, to be blessed upon
But O' gardener, let me fall around
Where the martyrs of my motherland walked the ground!

Shanti!

Read somewhere:

The worst in life is "ATTACHMENT " it hurts when you lose it, the best in life is "LONELINESS" as it teaches you to be with yourself & when you lose it, you get Everything!

And these lessons are best appreciated when one experiences them, unfortunately! And one knows that its surely going to take a lot of time, effort and resilience to reach anywhere near 'Everything'.

Some attachments when lost don't just hurt... it feels like your heart was literally pulled out with bare hands and all the blood was squeezed brutally until dry. It has the uncanny ability to remain embedded in your thoughts all the time and you wonder, is this gonna be the case forever? Is this punishment and revenge for having deliberately killed that same attachment that was an actual, physical part of you? The answers are not clear, since choices were made while trying to keep the balance without toppling over. But one hopes... 'This too shall pass" And with that chant you move on, putting up a brave front and breezy appearances, for the sake of the ones you don't want to hurt by burdening them of the knowledge of the difficult choices you made.

Still miles to go.... but the thought does have a beautiful ring to it... and if something hasnt killed you, it has only made you stronger!

No more

As I sit by amidst storms threatening to overwhelm

I break resolves over and over

But at some point the hilarity of it all dosent cease to amuse

What seems desolate is just an illusion

I tell myself

But the sensible side knows I cant keep this up much longer

Isnt easy to break free of crutches

Better do it sooner than later

Independence is the key

Anything more is a bonus

Working for bonuses is what finally happens

Over and over again.... breaking resolves

The independence to be in love with myself takes a back seat again

As the loneliness looms larger than life

Face it, is the answer

No more crutches....get away from them

No more bonus treats for the momentary satisfaction

Aye zindagi...peace now!

Chota sa saaya tha, ankhon mein aaya tha,
Humne do boondhon se man bhar liya

Didnt think it may not suffice

After all, thats how the drug tempts

Humne bahane se, chupke zamaane se,

Palkon ke parde mein ghar kar liya,

And in that illusion there was turmoil

A tornado that cleans out pretty much everything

Disturbs the equilibrium

Upsets it....destroys!

Settling down there is an unnatural calmness

The left over ruins

But settled it has...the Storm!

Tera sahaara mil gaya hai zindagi

Tera kinaara mil gaya hai zindagi

No regrets

No guilt

Peace...silver linings visible..

Aye zindagi gale laga le,
Humne bhi tere har ek gham ko,
Gale se lagaya hain, hain naa..

(Sorry Gulzarji for the plagiarism! Just that the words connect sometimes and one wants to add....)

Nautankis of life!

Of dramatic entrances...exits....last words!

Only in movies?

Naah the scripts in real life are full of them too!

The ego takes over...

Especially the hurt one!

Some silent cutting words

Some loud angry ones

Some cold as a stone punch lines

Some long explanations...pathetic...helpless

Some tears

Some malicious laughters

Many unburied memories flashing by...

A lot many brave, nonchalant masks to hide everything!

Naach!

Dance, with the ecstasy taking over
Move with the flow
Koi sharth nahi hai jo
Jus' madness...no boundaries...no rules...no reason
In the rains...storm even!
Bheegja Bheegja
Soak your soul in the music
On this beat...moment of life
No other...
Naach!!!

To Paris with Love...

I read this on lonely planet about Paris - http://www.lonelyplanet.com/france/paris/travel-tips-and-articles/42/35737. They talk about why Paris is really a place for romantic love and why the cliche holds. Back in 2004 when I visited Paris on official work, I remember feeling that cliche...thick in the air. It was summer and probably the best season to be outdoors, sip wine and canoodle in public spaces and metros, like they show in the movies...I tried to be scandalised, shocked, cynical or puritanical about it. But no! that attitude just crumbles and you begin to feel warm and nice and romantic even if you are the ultimate cynic! The city just does that to you.

I was working long hours with no time to brood about being alone, but that feeling of longing would creep in unexpectedly! My colleagues at the Vodafone lab where I worked would give me all the interesting info required by a tourist and I would take off after work almost everyday, to explore the city. Starting at dinner time, I would visit some place each day and get back just after midnight on the last metro! The sun would set only at 10pm and I felt completely safe. Although I stayed there for over a month, there were no free-from-work-weekends to take off to see the rest of France or Europe. I did manage do one weekend at Versailles on a cycling tour with a gang of Americans. That was fun! So were all the other 'Paris by night' and a couple of similar cycling trips I took with the same group. The ferry rides over river Seine were simply beautiful, where one could see people breaking into waltzes on the banks of the river or on the ferry itself....all those scenes from romantic Hollywood flicks which you never thought happened in real life! Managed to see the touristy and some less known places. Even managed to visit a jazz club where the music was live and the wine divine!

Left Paris when there was so much more left to do...check out Louvre a few more times, visit a cabaret, stand by the Seine in old Paris near Notre Dame, and so much more that I forget after all these years. But well...when I remember Paris...the first thing I seem to do is...SIGH...!!

Time never waits...

I am asked..."so u quit a cushy, really well paying, big sounding job and started on your own....any regrets?" Sets me thinking...."Yes just one....I should have quit much earlier and started on my own". Sounds like a haughty response, but hey! that's really true.
The older you get, the bigger the pay packet/office cabins/people-to-push-around gets and the larger the commitments and responsibilities and risks. Time only makes it harder to take any big step...not easier at all!
True for so many things in life. Single friends of mine in their 30s, especially women, tell me that there is no chance they are going to find someone to get married to. Their expectations are getting bigger and and choices smaller:-) One also gets so comfy and happy in one's comfort zone...its harder to change it even if it is for the better. But well...my single friends might be in a better zone already rather than being married...and this might be an exception here :-D

Change is not generally easy and passing of time only makes it so much harder. But once you push yourself to change, you look back and think, what was the fuss all about? One life to make the best of after all! And a smaller number of years if you leave out the times we were forced to be attending school and college and later hospitals to treat those knees or kidneys or whatever. To experience all there is to do...to give the best out....to indulge in small pleasures or larger ones....as they say "live life to the fullest".

If time waited for me to pause at an uncertain moment in life wouldnt it be great!? Let me sort out that pesky little thing and continue with the tick tock...but no....the tick tock goes on and gets louder especially when you are faced with the realities of biology of a human body and mind....and the vulnerabilities associated with it....

Will it ever end?

The quest for that 'something' in life...
Layers open up and reveal what they really were as I peel the old ones off
They force a bigger commitment out of me
So that I cant take off to the far away mountains whenever I want to
But is that the quest? - The faraway mountains...?
or will I reach there and feel the need to peel them off too?

Disruptions make me change
Change the way I think about things...things I would have never considered on my high horse long ago
Everything has a new meaning
I never stopped growing...learning
But how much disruption can I take?
Why do I seek out the disruptions myself?...aren't there enough coming my way already!
Will they disrupt me enough to become two different people?
All of us do wear masks...one for the outer world and another maskless face to oneself
but of late my masks seem unaware of the other
pulling in two different directions
tearing me apart!

What is it that I want to find?
Human happiness or something more divine?
Is there something more divine?
The human rules we live by govern what we need...and if I dont get what I need....
do I beg...borrow...steal.....grab....fret.....or....accept?
Will it end...the quest....will it end whatever I do?