Of dreams to make come true....

I imagined

a deep shade of yellow

a dark shade of green

with a new lesson in life

stories fresh and clean

some music to my ears

some knowledge to allay my fears

to soothe a restless soul

to set free

a place to be me



I found

you caught in a net

waiting to be met

the same shade and depth

at the possibility, I was floored

and with you I soared

living in the moment

until I landed to see

the need to deliberate

complexities to fathom

therein lies the beauty

and I am glad I soared in the moment

'cos the faith always takes care

of the dreams of those who dare!

In search of my net worth...

"My net-worth is what I have left after I lose all my money"

"What do you want to be ten years from now?"...a question that makes me pretty lost for words...despite being the one who always has something to say.
Let me think - CEO? Technical genius with 10 patents? ok a program manager managing 50 people at the veryleast? .........Gut reaction "yawn"!! I can see myself coming out of an assembly line of one of these characters....why do I feel so disconnected? So what will my net worth be after 10 years?
The satisfaction of a beautiful home and relationships?
The passion of dancing like no one's watching?
The compassion of being a shoulder to cry on, to have made a difference?
The little thrills of gossiping, philosophising and hearty laughters & tears with friends?
The righteousness of having done the right thing...no matter what?
The gnawing hunger to learn new things...from languages, to music, to swimming, to film making, to martial arts, to history, to technology...a list that never ends?
The contentment of a small step to leave the world a better place?
The exhilaration of adventures, travel, reading and writing?
The romancticising and divinification of mountains, oceans and forests?
The imagination and day-dreams of fame and fortune?
The trivial pleasures of reading Harry Potter time and again or having watched Friends for the Nth time?

Well...Whichever way I look at it, the hours spent at my job is only justified for the means it gives me to all of the above. So here goes, For the next Ten years and after, I 'd like to be doing something that gives me the means and the TIME to have done most of the above and added more to the list....and if that means turns out to be one of these, what more can one ask for!

Torino!

When I heard I would be travelling to Torino on work 6 years ago, I thought my boss was pulling my leg!...thanks to my sparse geographical knowledge. The orange colored soft drink that used to be famous in India ages ago 'Torino' kept popping in my head...along with the ad's jingle in the background of course. The internet then revealed this as an industrial city in Italy famous for the company - Fiat!! I went ahead to get my visa stamped for the first time in my passport and days later landed in this charming city of Italy and the month long stay here happens to be the travel experience closest to my heart.....Paris, Rome, the US, Singapore, Malaysia notwithstanding. It was not really a sight-seeing paradise, but set the tone for my travel experiences abroad and I always end up comparing each one of them to this one.....the first of its kind while learning to be on my own, learning the ropes. It was a total high as I experienced it...the friends I made, the culture, the warm people, my work, the places i got to visit around Italy, the chocolates, wining and dining!! Turin may very well be on the Olympics map lately, but I will always remember the spirit of this charming city as I saw it so many years ago....
Cheers Torino!

Pic Courtesy: http://honeymoons.about.com/od/italy/ss/turin_pictures.htm

Perfect!

What is it about perfection that makes one cringe?
Perfect relationships are surely in denial mode, with muted volume, politely formal, distantly polite, stuffy, don't touch any sensitive spots, coat everything well and keep it sugary and bottle up the rest! It is one thing to be nice and another to be purrfectly nice. Aspirants of this are better off staying away from other human kind....not only are they setting the wrong standards and showing the "in-your-face" healthy ones in bad light...they are extremely harmful to themselves. When the bubble bursts and all the bottled-up hell breaks lose, they wonder what they did wrong....incapable of believing that since they are so bloody sweet and all, and cannot hurt or tick off anyone. "Why is the world so mean to me? I only strive to please all and sundry around me and keep "ME" in everyone's gooood books!! How can "I" be considered wrong?" Puhleease get off your high horse and be yourself and do not blame me for keeping my face the way it is....that is how it will be thanks to your insensitivity (yeah...hard to believe??) and I cannot screw it up into a smile to make things nice and perfect so you can get back into your pretentious hunky dory world. Learn to face facts and deal with problems...not sweep it out of sight.

Let us all strive to be perfect and nice and sweet...but let us not get carried away with it!!!

Deathly and hallows?

What's deathly about hallows? Deathly veneration? deathly saints? JK does not explain the meaning afraid that it'll give away a clue to the story....but as the countdown goes on cant think of much else these days....it's damn frustrating to be a muggle and be content with reading it with the rest of the world!

Awaiting eagerly...here's a toast to bringing magic into millions of lives!

Cricket and some feminism!

Well...this is a post that I have really been avoiding. Another kb of space dedicated to this??? But now I am forced to pen this small bit down...
India's debacle in world cup 2007 has invited the wrath, criticism, angst, sympathy even from all quarters...and then there are some of us who prefer to remain indifferent...utmost get irritated by the constant attention this debacle has been getting. Come to think of it, I don't think the analysis and publicity would have made it to so much of first page/headline news(usurping Vishwanathan Anand's moment of world #1 glory) had they actually brought home the cup!!!

So there I was this Sunday reading the times of India's glossy sheets trying to avoid anything that my brain would google upon as crick..but unknowingly ended up reading this hilarious piece by Suhel Seth (the happy bachelor as he calls himself)...where he is really livid with the 11 jokers for spoiling the month long lazy existence of the Indian Man! How the Man will have to now put up with the nagging from his wife or MIL and how he cannot rot in front of the TV eating/drinking and living in his own world and how he is going to be missing the much awaited male bonding...etc etc. Mr. Seth the male equivalent of the feminist made me see the lighter side of it all and I have never read a funny feminist before who could drive home her point while providing so much entertainment! I now keep an open mind while reading cricket news for I might chance upon a Suhel Seth like piece....

On the other hand (this has nothing to do with cricket, just something the feminist in me wants to express;))...in the same main sheet of the paper Mr. Shashi Tharoor writes an apology article for last week's debacle piece which criticised the Indian woman's neglect of the sari!! Apparently the author has received a whole lot of brickbats (which he calls "feedback") and writes a full article of the same damned length which is actually a stupid apology! c'mon buddy, he knew it was coming...especially since he went pointing fingers in his all western business suit...and mind you I did read that bit about how someone ridiculed him for wearing a kurta pyjama to an international meeting and so was forced to "follow" the dress code....for someone so worried about the sari culture going to the dogs, stand up and fight for your country's kurta/khadi culture!! My dad has been to many international conferences and dosent give a damn about any criticism flaunting his bandhgalas and khadi kurtas while shunning the "soot"...not that he's bothered about Indian clothes and all that...he is just not into dressing up for someone else and I have seen his international colleagues respect him for that! So that's where I stand...I am not into dressing up for someone else...Indian culture or not! I wear what I want to wear and sometimes it turns out to be a sari...no sweat! whaoh!! see? I said feminists cant be funny once they get going!!:D
Just wanted to conclude on a lighter note that today I read 2 very funny articles...one a truly admirable one from a masculinist!!?? and the other a silly and funny apology from a sexist!!!

Blog of the day?

Just saw the email from the guys at the 'blog of the day' thingy for Feb 05, 2007. Next went to my traffic update...and whoah! I had visitors from all the networks of the world....(psst - mostly for 0 seconds long visits;)) but whatever....Hey!!...maybe I should go ahead and add Google's adsense and make some moolah (read big bucks) for the next few days ;) On a more serious note this sure does feels encouraging to write more. If I had any hangups on my casual writing style...all's well now and life's good on the internet!!:)))

The fine line...

There is always talk of the fine line between 2 conflicting ideas....here is one more of my recent personal experiences:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for 1 day
Teach him fishing and you feed him for a lifetime...
Goes something like that.

I always believed that the 2nd line is true...always...without a doubt, even when I was the one seeking the 'fish'. But of late I have been witness to expectations that have nothing to do with teaching or learning, like all your rantings about teaching falls on deaf ears....it breaks one's heart to tell someone..."go work hard and learn life's lessons...don't expect me to give it to you on a platter", the situation 'appears' to be sad, tragic even and yet there is no effort visible to make life better by working on it, all the effort is concentrated on creating the sympathy. Almost reminds me of the traffic signal begging scenarios...like life's mission...like the right to beg is mine, the duty to give is yours...like a profession, so used to the art, have been doing this for so many years that there doesn't seem to be any self-respect, no ego left...."as long as I get it out of your sympathy I will keep at it, why do I even have to try anything else. You have always been giving, how dare you not give now?". But again, despite it all, how can one be hard hearted to turn away someone in need...do it this last time? will it ever be the last time?

anda arabi kadalorum...

Deja vu or pessimism?

Sometimes she has these niggling nagging thoughts....fears even....will it go smoothly?...not the general nervousness, but more sure ones, which don't happen always. She is told "its just pessimism creeping into your mind...if you expect it, it will happen...most definitely!". And yeah it does happen exactly how it crept into her mind.
Now it seems to be happening again...the order of events are just like what were expected at first but this time, she was extremely careful to drive out the pessimistic bogart out of her mind, but no...not helping...its just too hard when reality is hitting at her with all its energy...she would only be terribly foolish to believe that what first happened was not the deja vu after all!

The good samaritan in bad traffic

What happens when you go blank..nod off while driving and hit the accelerator instead of the breaks? well...a lot of horrible things, but in Bangalore's mad traffic, you would never have the guy whose jeep you banged into walk over and ask you if you are alright! I think the exact words were "Are you OK? Please tell me you are OK, don't worry about my jeep, your car looks bad though", "Do you want to pull over to the side and get some water to drink?", "will you be able to drive?"...wow! And all I could do was think .....OMG what damage have I done to my car? How much will I have to shell out? How much can I claim as insurance? or can I claim any? What about the jeep's damages? through all this I did manage to tell him, that I'll pull over to the side and see what to do. I have no clue what he was planning to do, but after starting I just drive back home in a daze trying to make out if the strong stench is due to the condenser leakage or something...wondering if my car will go up in flames anytime soon (paranoia straight from the Hollywood flicks). I did not even so much look to see what happened of that fine gentleman and his jeep or where he was.

After so long that it took me to get over the incident, and getting back to driving without the phobia thanks to the encouragement from my family and all the prayers and good omens and the insurance and everything, I think back at the incident and remember in awe, this Samaritan. Someone who I actually didn't thank! Probably will never be able to personally, but not a gesture I will forget that easily in the mad traffic of Bangalore, the amazing amount of selflessness he exhibited to a total stranger who actually probably damaged his property.....talk about Gandhigiri! And that too from someone of a different country....a westerner!

The Spotlight!

Its a crazy situation, especially for someone who likes to blend into the background (most of the times atleast). Questions were surely expected..."what did you do to be chosen as the so called 'brand ambassador', out of all the 2000 people?". The same question I ask myself...really "what DID I do?" Was it just a realllly random pick or was there something to the selection criteria, like 'my people' put it, or like the photographers from Chicago - "You must have done SOMEthing!". But of course, no real reasons are forthcoming, and needless to say I would have to live with being the pick of a lucky dip.

One of my friends says, I should take this up some more - and she did mean it well...but I'm thinking...Modelling!? What the...!!! Was definitely the wierdest feeling in front of that camera with instructions being ranted out - look at the crack at the door, speak to me, use your hands, eyes on camera-nose pointed to my wrist-nose on camera-eyes pointed to my wrist, pull down ur shirt to clean up your creases, turn ur head 26degrees, stand on the yellow spot, dont hunch, smile-show ur teeth-uh oh! not so much teeth...........hmph!!!! The only interesting part of the episode was being around international-award-winning (and good looking I might add;)) photographers and talking to them about their craft!
Not to forget having been paranoid due to a new zit that wouldnt go away and the sudden realisation that I dont have 'clothes'!!!! and the paunchy belly and the inability to get an appointment at the beauty salon before the shoot and the complete vanity of it all! So my heart goes out to Ash & co. who put up with this thing day in n out, adorn wall papers and talk about hair color or beautiful skin while trying hard to hush up the botox or whatever else that works hard to paralyse muscles and conceal the story each wrinkle and grey hair has to say. Its really scary what preoccupation with one's image can do to one's image and I just got a taste of that fear!

Having said all that, one does secretly enjoy the results;) Being made a landmark on the map is not something that happens everyday, whatever that map might be for....My ego just got a lovely ayurvedic massage!

But at the end of the day....like I always know...'everything is maya', leave me to my quiet corner with my PC or my book and my dirty jeans and Tee back to my reality and I will respond to your compliment with a humble thanks....

Everything happens for.....

for a reason?
arent we just making a reason out of everything that everything happens for?

for good?
by whose standards?
good for who?
does it really matter as long as it is for mine?


isnt it all a matter of choice finally?
a choice of how I choose to look at it....
and dont I choose to look at it differently each time?
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the other
sometimes with kindness and consideration for the self!

REFUSE!!

I refuuuuusssse to get bogged down by the turn of events....
however big! or small!!!
like the dirty plastic that blobs irritatingly over a wave of a polluted beach!!!!!!!

Freedom?

Swami Vivekananda said "Total Freedom is when nothing affects you"

I have almost learnt not to get affected by the ups and downs of life and yeah I do feel free...but must admit that it also makes me feel somewhat detached...so have I crossed the line from not getting affected to not feeling, not experiencing at all?

Most times I just sail thru events of importance as if they were mundane occurrences.....so must I start singing 'I just wanna feel...'

memoirs of a reluctant kitchenperson...

Ever Notice how at family get togethers the womenfolk huddle up in the kitchen performing the A to Zs and the menfolk huddle together in front of the TV or discuss politics until say mealtime....? Been witness to this from the childhood days, but never been too affected by it all...only the married woman status brings in a whole new paradigm to the whole affair.
Not that I personally slog it out, most often manage to get away from both the huddles...but yeah the guilt and the conditioning and the spoken/unspoken expectations! what to do with them!?? They do sometimes translate into a little slogging themselves, while hating every minute, especially since talents are really rusty in that department!
20 yrs ago, it didnt seem so wierd simply 'cos the roles were very well defined and the people seemed comfortable with what they had to acheive...claim to fame being how well the womenfolk feed their men....but cut to the current scenario, things simply dont fall into place. The superwoman is here...thrust into the role, whether she likes it or not....most of them being equal breadwinners (the breadwinning part being equally important i.e), have to cook, feed, serve, clean up and then probably contemplate eating the leftovers while starting preparations for the next meal. And not talking about the hum apke hain kaun type families with 15 kaamwaales to clean up, talking about very middle class scenarios with no servants. So when families decide to take breaks from their routine worklife (double holiday, since both of them work now!), they get together and perform these therapuatic miracles to feel refreshed...of course one party does feel refreshed....not to be disputed! Also noticed how the progressive husbands/boys too fall prey to the peer pressure and dont overstep the age old boundaries laid out.
No volunteers from the men's section is accompanied by no asking from the female section as well. It is another matter that claims are made all over, that if the men do try to help the women shoo them away! well, not sure if one section dosent try too hard or the other section is so used to shooing away that they do it without a second thought. All speculations...
At the end of it all...one can only keep counting till 10 or 20 or whatever and steel oneself to put up with it only for a few days....and feel fortunate while thinking of the various people all around who slog it out this way all their lives!

Patheticity

At times one gets so pathetic...
ego hassles, need for reassurance, need for attention, need for visibility......all maturity goes out of the window!
mostly its really silly...and only gets sillier... heck!!! its always for the small inconsequential things
wallowing in the slush and yucky muck of self pity.....whats it about humans and attention!?? and one wants attention from where its going to be unavailable....unreasonable!
and looking back, want to go back...be more respectable...but the moment's gone and the bad taste still lingers on and nothing can be done...

where rainbows follow u around...

Napa valley California...the abode of scenic delights and "bottled poetry" a.k.a wine!!!!

Alternating between sun and rain we got the best of both views...the very reason we saw rainbows everywhere and couldnt stop clicking! We saw not 1 but 3 different rainbows and the entire 180 degrees views!!!!
But civilisation manifesting itself in the form of electric lines and poles is something the camera lens simply cannot ignore...! A picture unfortunately cannot capture or invoke the same gamut of emotions that the lens of the naked eye does, which technology has not come close to simulating yet....but yes, can remind u of how u felt:)
This pic above is the real, un-photoshopped, uncropped, raw version just as it was clicked and just need to multiply its beauty a few times for how it looked!

Some wine tasting of, I think it was called Sanguine something at Oakville (oak, bitter sweet chocolate, fruit,...lost track) left me with the oaky, 'thovarpu' taste in my mouth! Felt like an anpadh ghawar trying to understand the supposed differences between chardonnay, poit noir, and something blah blah (or rather bleuah bleuah..;))...and their characteristic flavours...for all my...' i like wine' talks...must admit that this got too technical and painfully elitist for me 'common woman'! thank goodness, didnt take the vineyards tour on wine processing processes (at the cost of sounding like a wet blanket here!) what's google for..can get a virtual tour, worst case!:)

MMMmmmm...and the dipping oils and the dipping sauce, now lets talk about the taste buds going on a riot! olive oil n balsamic vinegar n herbs etc etc...exclusive stuff! So armed with this, am going on to re-create the Californian Italy back at namma Bengalooru!

Inadequacy...Envy...Greed...

I sometimes think I am above these petty emotions...but they crop up for the most silliest reasons and leave me feeling terribly petty!

Inadequacy.....I just cant get myself to say...'so what if I can't yet drive a car in the US...big deal!' Well, it is such a normal thing to do here, an I hate not being able to do atleast the normal stuff...forget ditching an MS course (which I dont consider normal anyways)!
Have been told it is normal to feel uncertain at first but I realise that u need to relate to the vehicle, need to visualise myself enjoying the drive, which does not seem to be there for 4 wheelers, especially when I catch myself looking longingly at a sexy Harley-Davidson and imagining me on it...YES riding it, not on the pillion!! I know that it'll take me only seconds to start a motorbike for the first time and zoom off....no sweat! Will I ever be able to get my enticer back home or is it just a stupid impractical dream....

Envy...when u hear of people carrying on very happily without u, be it at work or at home or elsewhere, a small pang of envy spreads its icy fangs slowly and lingers on. Strange! since u wanted things to go on smoothly without u in the first place!

Greed...well thats when u want to have it all! Want everything, should have the cake and eat it too and also want an icecream after that, and yeah of course a drink! Just can't stand missing out on the important stuff while I am away....as though time halts for the rest of the world, just so that I dont miss out!

time out..will visit the other deadly sins later...

who is calling...

this strange pull
these undefined feelings
full of contradictions
the song of my land triggers an outburst
like the fizz gushes out from the bottle of champagne
unexpected...unwarranted...
...champagne is great stuff n all, but I still like to fall to the floor!
[ok that was a pathetic analogy...but so apt!]